don't be
by baby hosey
Summary: My first gay m/m fic Finch surprises himself and acts on an urge but where will it take him, and john. Partly finch's pov. M/m slash, don't like, don't read Ch14 on beta read by lady cynic
1. Chapter 1

"He's dead." came over Finch's ear piece

"What Mr. Reese?"

"He's dead."

"Who? Billy?"

"Yes."

"How? You didn't..."

"No... Shit... Finch no. He's been shot. I lost him..."

"Mr. Reese it happens."

"No but..."

"Mr. Reese, come back if he's gone it's over. Come to the library" silence answered him "John... Please come back" he almost pleaded feeling pathetic "John?"

"Yes Finch I'm coming. I'll call it in then I'll come back."

"Promise?"

"Yes promise. See you soon." and the line cut off.

Another number had come through but with a bad outcome, it clearly was taking its toll on John. The number of a young eighteen year old boy tangled up in a gang, but it turned out he was the leader and was killed. It hit John hard and that in turn affected Finch, who felt awful. John had tried to protect Billy and talk him out of his ways but nothing had worked.

Finch sat back down at the computer and scanned for John's location using his GPS, then through CCTV; he knew John would want to know who killed Billy. He found it; Billy walking into the alley, and then he's stunned by what is playing in front of him.

"No... Oh god no." he says putting his hands to his mouth. The last thing Finch ever wanted to see came on, "Oh god Billy".

Be re-winded the CCTV and paused it knowing John would want to see it. He didn't want to show him since he knew this would badly affect John. He hated seeing him in pain, but upset was probably worse.

Finch settled his head in his hands, elbows on the table, it wasn't comfortable but he had to work himself up to tell John about Billy. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder,

"You okay Finch?"

Finch moved back "John, sit down." is all he said.

John looked at him for a moment then sat on the table "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Mr. Reese..."

"What happened to John?"

"This is serious."

John moved and put his hand on Finch's shoulder. "I'm sorry. Carry on."

"Right" started Finch, realising John's hand remained on his shoulder; he liked it but it felt funny. He carried on, "I looked at the CCTV of Billy."

"You found who killed him?" John asked pulling his hand away.

"Yes, but you won't like it?"

"Who was it? Carter?" urged John.

Finch hurt and he didn't know what to do.

"Finch." John practically shouted.

"No not Carter. Shall I tell you or do you want to see? Either is just as bad."

"Show me."

Finch stood, "I can't see it again, just press that button."

He stepped back so he was in front of the screen looking away; He heard the noise of John kicking the chair. He turned and saw John had his elbows on his knees and hands covering his face, he went to him not sure what to do, "John" he whispered.

John looked up, tears running down his face.

"I'm sorry." said Finch wanting to hug him, but resisted.

"I can't believe it."

"Nor could I."

John moved and opened his arms nodding. Finch went into them wrapping his arms around John's shoulders.

"I failed him Finch." said John getting choked, and his voice wavering

"No you didn't. You tried to save him, but in the end it was his decision. He decided to end it himself. He did it before someone else did."

"But I failed."

He moved back a little and cupped John's cheek, "John listen to me, we do our best to save these people. We don't ignore the numbers, and we must expect and accept at times we will lose. But we must never ignore the numbers."

John nodded and smiled, then pulled Finch back into his arms. This surprised Finch, but he enjoyed the security of John's arms. Finch felt John move, and he felt his breath on his neck. It made his skin tingle; he'd locked away his feelings for John but this wasn't helping. He pulled back a little and slowly moved down till he felt John's breath on his lips. Finch knew he probably shouldn't but he did, he slowly moved in and pressed his lips on John's. He lingered then pulled back, he looked at John who didn't move. Finch panicked and pulled right away from John's grip and crashed against the table,

"I'm sorry Mr. Reese... I... I..."

John remained seated, just looking at him. Finch needed to get away; he turned to walk out of the room...


	2. Chapter 2

Suddenly he's against the table again, being pulled around to face him. Terror streamed through his veins; he wants to cry, run, and scream; he's never felt so scared, especially with John.

John's hands were on Finch's chest; his look tells him nothing. Slowly his right hand runs up to Finch's neck.

"John... please... I'm sorry... I... I..." says Finch, the terror making him feel sick.

John's hand stops at his neck as he starts moving in. This confuses Finch; he closes his eyes and feels John's breath on his lips again, and then he feels his lips being covered. John's kissing him. He pulls back surprised, John smiled, and then Finch moves pulling him back in. They linger and it's Finch who pulls back, needing to breath and John pulls him into his arms and holds him.

"You need to trust me." John whispers by Finch's ear.

"I do trust you."

John pulls back a little, "No you don't."

"I do."

"Then why did you look like you were going to vomit? And stammered? And started to breath heavily? We promised we would never lie, remember?"

Finch gave in "Yes I remember. Yes I got scared just then. I..." he took a deep breath, "I got scared as you're a lot bigger and stronger than me, an ex-service man who, for all I know may hate gays, and I kissed you. I scared myself doing that anyway. I never act upon my urges, but with you I feel I can."

"That's not trust, that's different."

"Then show me how to."

John pulled back further out of Finch's arms, "I am stronger and bigger than you, but without you I'm useless. I need you and your brains to live, to breath... To exist. Finch, I will never hurt you, ever."

"You pinned me once though." adds Finch now on the defense, scared he's about to be rejected.

"Yes, while hung over and scared. I didn't know you then; you were just someone annoying me while hung over. I'm different when I'm drunk or hung over, more...defensive. But I didn't hurt you..."

Finch opened his mouth to speak but John jumped in.

"Not intentionally hurt you, I didn't know of your...your...Oh whatever you call it... Your difficulties... There... Yes, so I probably did hurt you but I never will again."

"I'm glad to hear it Mr. Reese." Finch quickly returned to work; professional and safe.

"Finch, uh... It's wasted. Right, I'm off."

"Off where?" jumped Finch. He needed John, he needed him safe and near.

"Off to let you work out how to prove you trust me. A number comes up I'll sort it, but I'm not coming up here till you prove to me."

"But I don't know how…"

John moved in and kissed Finch's cheek, "You'll work it out." and he retreated, "Hope to see you soon." He called as he walked out.

Finch heard the door shut; he retrieved his chair and went to his desk sitting on the chair. What could he do? He did trust John? But how could he prove it? He didn't deal with people enough to know, he had always locked himself away, even before the accident. Hadn't he kissing John proved anything? He knew it meant a lot between them. He felt it when John kissed him, but what did it mean for them? No trust, no anything. This puzzled him. His neck hurt and he reached up under his collar and massaged his neck, running it over his scar from the operation to fuse his neck. Then it hit him; he'd shut John out of his private life, he couldn't do that if they were to progress into something. He needed to let John see him for him. But could he do it? Could he really be that open? He'd have to be.


	3. Chapter 3

He stood up, put on his coat and started walking out. He pulled out his cell and found John using the GPS again; he was in central park. He hailed a cab and told the driver to drop him a block from John's current hotel.

"Uhh, Finch, a number?"

"No, I need to see you."

"Oh really, why's that?"

"Just come to the hotel."

"Why?"

"John..."

"Back to John again?"

John did frustrate him at times, "I don't know how to deal with this... I'm..." he looked up at the cabby, "I'm scared, okay? There I said it, I'm scared but I know what to do."

"Hey Finch, I'm only teasing."

"Well don't, not right now" he leant forward, "Thanks." He said and then paid the driver and got out. "I'm not used to all this, but I want to talk and then I'll prove I trust you."

"Okay, where are you?" John sounded sincere.

"At the hotel."

"Okay, go in. I'll make my way there. See you soon?"

It sounded like a question, "Yes see you soon." Finch replied about to hang up.

"Finch?"

"Yes?"

"I need you..." Then the line cut...

I need you? Why would John say that? Finch slowly walked in pondering on that; soon at the door he fiddled the electronic lock and walked in. It was an okay room. Though he didn't like it, it was too boring for his liking, but it probably suited John. They were very different, yet very alike; he felt out of place being there without John. He took off his coat and sat at the dining room table waiting. He was tempted to check and see where John was but decided not to. He heard footsteps and his heart stopped, he stood ready, but they carried on past. He sighed and sat back down when the door did opened.

"Hi." said John closing the door.

"Yes, hi." replied Finch a little in discomfort from the sudden movement.

John walked over to him, "What's wrong?"

"Sudden movements are not good."

"No probably not." John smiled as he sat next to Finch.

Finch smiled at him in return. "I was thinking when you left." said Finch.

"Yes?"

"And I don't know what this is, but I do trust you and want to let you in."

"Can I have another kiss then?"

Finch pulled back "Not yet." He saw Gohn pull back and quickly took his hand.

"Okay, why?" said John looking a bit unhappy.

"I want to prove to you that I trust you."

"Wasn't that it?"

"No, John do you trust me?"

He looked stunned, "Are you really asking me that?"

"Yes, do you?"

"Yes, of course I do. I trust you with my life."

"Good." Finch stood keeping ahold of John's hand. "Come with me." Finch said surprising himself with how dominant he sounded. It had been a long time since he'd dominated someone.

John stood and let himself be pulled to the lounge area, away from the windows.

"Sit." He said once he had John lined up with the armchair. "No that's wrong. It sounds like I'm talking to a dog. Would you please sit?"

John laughed and sat down keeping ahold of Finch's hand, "I liked it better the first time."

Finch ignores John's comment. He was growing scared, but he knew he had to do it, for himself, for John, and for a possible future with John.

"Right..." he started preparing himself in his head, still holding Johns hand for support. "I never do this, ever but I want to for you. But you must stay in the chair no matter what, you get up and I leave... It will ruin what we're building, okay?"

"Okay Finch, that's fine, I promise."

"I know you won't, I trust you."

John kissed his hand and let go then shifted in the chair getting comfortable. Finch was scared; he had to get into the right frame of mind. He stepped back two large steps and took a deep breath, keeping his eyes firmly on John's.

"Now Mr. Reese as you may know I am a very private person," he started, undoing his blazer buttons, "I hide from people, I hate attention." He finished the buttons and dropped it off his shoulders and threw it onto the sofa, and then started on the buttons of his waist coat. "I have been hurt by too many people in the past; bullied, beaten, abused both verbally and physically." With the buttons done, he shrugs it off and places it onto the sofa. He pauses, "And I am scared of people. I am not scared of you but at the same time I am. Make sense?"

"Yes it does. Abuse does that to a person."

He nodded, "Well, since I am dead it was easy to stay away from people. I have no ties to anyone living." Finch starts undoing his tie as John moves and leans his elbow on the arm of the chair playing with his lips. This sparks something in Finch; it's arousal with a deep want. He takes his tie off and again throws it on the sofa. "I am very wary and scared that I will love again, and that they will be hurt, or hurt me." He makes a start of unbuttoning his shirt; "I'm very conscious of how I look and especially my scars." Finch is halfway down the buttons when John moves forward a bit, "Do not get up." Finch warned.

"I'm not getting up, but you don't have to do this."

"I know, but I want to, I need to." he assured John.

John sat back and Finch continued with the buttons, "My scars are me. They now make up who I am, but I hate them. Do you have many scars?" he asked John as he slipped his shirt off, standing in just his vest and pants; he felt less conscious than he expected.

"Yes I do, the biggest is at my neck. I have more now than before as you know but yes."

Finch nodded. "We'll have to compare scars one day." He moved and sat on the sofa, and started to take off his shoes. He stood again, "I have not been seen or touched by anyone in this state," he slowly undid his belt, and then the button and fly on his pants. He let them drop pooling at his ankles; he looked at John who was wiggling in the chair, "Uncomfortable?" Finch inquired.

"Yes, but not in the way you think." replied John.

Finch nodded, not sure what he thought the reason was. He sat on the sofa again and pulled his pants off. "I can only do this as I am falling for you and I know..." he paused before standing back up and holding the bottom of his vest, "I know you won't judge me." he said pulling his vest over his head.

Standing in just his boxers, he felt John's eyes roaming all over his body. He felt self-conscious and hated it. No one had seen him like this for, well forever. He looked down at his feet, seeing his scars and pasty, un-toned body.

"I can't do this anymore, it is wrong." John suddenly voiced.

This hit Finch hard; why had he been so stupid? Why did he do this to himself? Why did he think John would accept his old, pasty, and horrid body? His hands came up to his face as the tears formed and fell. He was pathetic anyway, so crying in front of John didn't matter.


	4. Chapter 4

The tears started to fall, why did he trust John? He'd tried to prove that to John and himself, but all he got was repulsion. Suddenly, he felt arms around him. He kept his face covered, he couldn't look at him; his crying turned into a sob as he felt John's hands in his hair, running his fingers through it. He liked it but knew he shouldn't.

"Come on Harold, its ok, don't cry."

This angered him, but he held it in.

"Come on, look at me." urged John.

"Why would I want to do that?" Finch asked sharply.

"Hey." he felt John pull back a little and pulling at his hands, "Harold? Come on."

"No, it's enough you saying it, but I don't want or need to see your repulsion."

"Repulsion? It's not like…"

"Pity then? I don't need it, now get off me."

"Finch..."

"No." he tried to pull back.

"I'm not letting you go until you listen."

"You're hurting me."

"That may be true but listen…"

"Why should I? You don't care about me. You're repulsed and showing pity. I don't need pity; I need love, affection and understanding. I thought you would understand." He felt John take a deep breath.

"Uncover your face."

"Why?"

"You won't see my face, but look what you do see."

"Why?"

"Just fucking do it." said John sternly.

He knew John meant it, and clearly for a reason, so he did as John said. He moved his hands and was greeted with a bare tanned chest.

"I know it's been a long time since you were held like this, but I thought you'd have known it was bare skin touching you."

"Why are you like this? You said you can't do this anymore, that it's wrong."

"That's why you cried?"

Finch just nodded.

"Oh Finch, I meant I couldn't sit there anymore and not hold or touch you."

"Really?" he said.

"Look at me." Finch was reluctant, but he looked up at John's face, "Do you see repulsion? Or pity?" John asked.

"No."

"Good, 'cause there's none here to be seen. I feel none of those things; I'm many things but not those things." He put his right hand to Finch's cheek and wiped away his tears, "Sorry I disobeyed you, but please don't leave."

"I won't. So you're not turned off of me, by how my body looks?" asked Finch still feeling insecure.

John smiled, kissed his cheek and pulled Finch closer to him. He brushed his crutch area, finch couldn't help but smile, John was solid "Good enough answer?"

"Oh yes."

"Good. Can we sit?" asked John.

Finch just nodded stunned that how he looked didn't turn John off. John moved a little away from Finch but took his hand. He cleared the sofa of Finch's clothes and sat down pulling Finch with him. They sat just looking at each other for a minute or so; Finch liked John's body. He felt funny looking at it, given he'd seen it many times, but usually when he was administering first aid. He wanted to touch him.

"Can I touch you?" he asked feeling stupid.

John smiled and took Finch's hand in his and guiding it to his neck. "I like being touched here."

Finch saw a long scar. He run his fingers along it and watched John shake a little. "It's sensitive." Finch stated feeling silly that it was out loud.

"Yes, scars can be."

Finch enjoyed touching John scar, neck and face; it felt amazing to be touching someone.

"You know, you've got guts, don't you?" said John.

"Have I? How? Why?"

"I'd never have stripped down to my boxers to show someone I trusted them."

"No?"

"No."

Finch smiled "What about if I asked you to?"

"Asked or told?"

"Oh depends on what you preferred." He loved this banter with John.

"Either, but if you wanted me to I would. But you did it of your own accord."

He smiled then realised John sat with clenched fists. "Are you desperate to touch me?" he asked teasing a little.

"As you said you're self-conscious, I'll only touch you if you say I can."

Finch nodded, "Before you touch me I want something first." He smiled.

"What's that?" John sounded eager.

"A proper kiss." said Finch suddenly not so sure of himself.

John smiled "One hand on, please." he asked.

"Of course" replied Finch.

Within seconds he was being pulled into John's lips; the strong, calloused hand on his neck made his skin tingle, and he wanted to feel this everywhere. His lips collided with John's in a gentle kiss that made him melt. John pulled back a little but quickly they joined again in a stronger, more passionate kiss. Finch moved his hand and found John's other hand, guiding it to his side. Upon contact he shivered, no one had touched him in so long, well only by doctors in latex gloves, but that's not this, this is meaningful and wanted. Their hands continued to explore and the kissing continued, occasionally breaking for breath and a smile.

"Finch?" John said breaking the kiss.

"Yes John?"

"Can we move? I'm getting a crick, and I'm sure it's not doing you any good either."

Finch nodded "Okay, bedroom?"

John looked surprised, "You sure 'cause..."

"Yes, bedroom." Finch said standing up and holding out his hand.

"I just need some water, do you want some?"

"No thanks, I'll meet you in there? Yes?"

"Okay."

Finch pulled John into his lips again and then made his way across the room to the bedroom.

"First door on the right." called John.

"Okay." Finch called back.

Finch felt very good and brave taking this step; he didn't intend to sleep with him but only to kiss, touch and be loved where he could get comfortable. He opened the door and looked at the large bed. In his head he was thinking how he could make this work; he needed support for his back and neck, and a little for his hip. Oh well no pillows for John. He lay on the bed taking in the scent of John surrounding him. The pillows were placed and comfortable and he knew where he wanted John. He just hoped John would agree because he was still worried he'd be rejected.

John came in "Comfortable?" he asked carrying his glass of water.

"No."

John took a sip "No?"

"No, I need you...here" he said patting his chest.

"Um, on my way." he put the glass on the bedside cabinet and slowly undid his button and fly on his pants; they fell to the floor revealing a pair of rather tight white boxers. He smiled then crawled up the bed and in between Finch's legs, "You ok?" he whispered.

"Yes. I just need you."

John smiled, "I need you too."

John gently lay down on top of Finch, "All right?"

"Perfect."

"If it starts to hurt or becomes uncomfortable tell me."

"Alright."

They spent time exploring each other's bodies and kissing. Finch enjoyed the feeling of John's skin on his; it had been so long since he'd felt this calm, settled and loved.

"I'm tired." John yawned.

"Shall I go?"

"No, not unless you want to?"

"No, I'll stay if it's okay?"

John kissed Finch. "Stay please."

Finch smiled "Okay. Roll off and we can get some sleep."

John did as he was told. "Glasses?" he asked.

Finch smiled and handed them to John. "I'll put them here." john said leaning fully over Finch's body and putting them on the bedside cabinet.

"God, you're a good looking man, Harold Finch." John mused smiling and stroking Finch's cheek.

Finch blushed; he never blushed, it wasn't him but clearly John brought it out of him. "You're much better looking than me." He smiled.

"If you think so, but I don't." John snuggled into Finch "Okay?"

"Yes." Finch kissed John then proceeded to fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Finch woke stiff and a little uncomfortable. He smiled at John who was sleeping next to him; he gently eased his arm off and crawled out of the bed. If he could skip he would; he felt so alive and free, but settled on walking to the bathroom. Once inside he looked at himself in the long mirror on the door, he couldn't see himself as good looking as John had said, but he still smiled. He washed his hands and was startled by a sudden crash, "John?" he called. There was no reply. As quickly as he could, he got out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where he saw john was sitting on the side of the bed covering his face with his hands. Finch gently approached John since he wasn't sure what was wrong. John suddenly sprung to his feet in a defensive position.

"Finch?"

Finch looked surprised; who was he expecting? "Yes?"

John sat back down and pulled Finch into him, he wrapped his arms around his middle, with Finch holding his shoulders.

"What's wrong? What was the crash?" Finch asked concerned.

"I... I thought you'd left. I got angry and threw my water, glass included at the wall. I'm sorry…"

"Why are you sorry? Because you thought I'd left?"

"No, because I threw the glass."

"But..."

"I was aggressive around you."

"If I was in the room then you could say sorry, but I wasn't. It just made me jump."

"Where were you?"

"In the bathroom."

"Oh… Are you leaving?"

"No, but I will if you want me to?"

John shook his head.

"Good, lie back then." said Finch.

John looked puzzled but did as requested. Finch smiled and gently eased himself onto the bed next to John. "Legs" he smiled tapping them. John spread them, and again Finch eased himself in between them, in a little bit of pain.

"If it hurts you don't have to."

"It's fine. I'm in pain all the time anyway; are you ok with me here?" he asked.

"Lay down and then I will be." John smiled.

Finch did as John said and laid down.

"I prefer you on top." John commented.

"Do you? Why?"

"Can't you tell?"

Finch was confused, "No. Why?"

"Really? Come on Finch, I can't be your first."

"You're not, but what?"

"I feel stupid saying this..."

Finch reached out and stroked John's cheek, "It's okay just say it."

"Uh... I'm submissive when I'm with a guy…"

Finch raised an eyebrow; he knew that because it was obvious.

"I'm not dominant Finch, I'm passive."

"Yes I know what you mean, and what?"

"You... What? I'm confused…"

"John, I'm dominant with men."

John's face dropped.

"Don't look so shocked, didn't you figure that out?" asked Finch trying to hide a smile.

"No... I... No I didn't."

Finch couldn't hold it anymore and laughed.

"It's not that funny, Finch" John mused.

"Sorry." he smiled and pulled John's hand to his mouth and kissed it, "Forgiven?"

"No, kiss me."

And Finch did but was uncomfortable and wriggled a bit causing a reaction in John; it wasn't unwanted, but he didn't want it right away.

"Sorry." Finch said.

"Now, why are you sorry?"

"I'm wiggling around."

"It's fine, I just want you to be comfortable. You're forgiven."

Finally he found a good position. "Good. Is this okay for you?"

"Um, yeah."

He was enjoying the feel of John surrounding him again, it was short lived though as his cell started going off in the lounge. "God" he shouted and slowly eased himself up.

"Do you have to get up?" John teased.

"Unfortunately, yes. My cells going off."

He kissed John and then walked into the lounge; he found his cell in his coat pocket. He pulled it out and opened the message. "Shit…"

"What's wrong?" came John's voice close behind him.

"It's a new number."

"Work time is it now, Mr. Finch?"

"Yes, Mr. Reese it is. I'll go now start looking the person up. I'll see you at the library."

"Okay." John said walking back towards the bedroom, "See you in a bit."

Finch nodded and started to dress; he was surprised how quickly and professionally they could deal with each other though they were both undressed. Once dressed, and ready to leave he called out. "I'll see you soon." But there was no reply. He walked outside and hailed a cab, and was dropped off a block away from the library. He walked up the stairs trying with no success to ignore the images in his head, or the want to kiss John when he arrives. No. This was time to work.


	6. Chapter 6

Once at the library Finch settled completely into work mode, the thoughts of what had happened before left his mind. Even when John walked in, he relayed the information and off he went in search for the woman. It was only when John said bye and left again that Finch started to worry a bit, wondering what this all meant to John and if it was more, would it work? He kept himself busy at the library, and then went out for a tea. He couldn't focus on anything, it was late but he wasn't sure how late. Finch looked at his watch, nine o'clock at night. He went to his favourite late night tea stop and got it to go when his cell started ringing.

"Hello?"

"Finch?"

"Yes Mr. Reese, what's wrong?"

"This is going to take time to sort out, I can feel it. Once it's done we need to talk, okay?"

He was taken aback by this, "Yes, that's fine."

"Are you out?"

"Yes, getting a tea."

"That'll keep you awake though."

"Yes."

"I'll just keep quiet."

"Why? Talk to me."

"Don't worry, I'm just worrying…"

"About? John talk to me."

"I need to find another name for you."

"Sorry, what?"

"Well at work it's Mr. Reese, privately it's John, but your always Finch."

"Yes right, okay, but that's not what's wrong, stop avoiding it."

A silence came over the earbud. "Finch, I don't want you to lose sleep over this."

"Over the number?"

"No over... Over whatever we are becoming. I'm still as focused as ever and I don't want you to lose sleep worrying, that's all."

"You're very sweet Mr. Reese, but I don't sleep much when we're dealing with a number; it's not changed because of what happened."

"I'm glad. I'll go. I may pop in tomorrow morning."

"Alright, see you later."

By day three it did take its toll on Finch, he was growing tired. He had to sleep. He took off his jacket, tie and waistcoat, and then slipped into the bed he had in the back room; he got comfortable quickly and drifted off. He dreamt of John; it wasn't overly sexual but he was enjoying it. He felt the kisses on his neck, John's arm around his waist, and his soft voice calling him. He stirred and realised he wasn't alone. He opened his eyes and lying next to him was John.

"Mr. Reese!" he exclaimed.

"Don't give me Mr. Reese. It's done."

"What's done?" he said trying to get away but John kept a hold of him.

"I've sorted out the number, works done."

Finch stopped moving away.

"Yes I did try to call but I received no answer. So can I have a cuddle now? I'm tired."

"Yes of course." Finch smiled and settled back down.

"Were you dreaming about me?" John asked.

Finch blushed, "Yes."

"Thought so, and I'm glad to hear it."

Finch was confused, how did he know?

"If you had that reaction over someone else I'd be worried."

Finch knew what he meant; he had a solid erection, and blushed harder.

"Don't get embarrassed, it's natural and I'm glad you can get that reaction over me."

Finch nodded, "So am I." it had been a long time for Finch to feel aroused over anyone, and he was glad he could still get an erection, especially since he now had a younger lover to please.

"What time is it?" asked Finch after a while.

John looked at his watch, "Five."

"Too early to be in bed. Shall we get takeout?"

"Hm sounds good."

Finch enjoyed his time with John but worry always crept in.


	7. Chapter 7

Time passed and they spent most of their time together. They always got so far sexually, and when John's hand would brush his upper thigh or around the waist of his boxers, he'd freeze. He knew John knew as he always backed off and moved his touching. He wanted to please John and he wanted to give him all of him, but he couldn't do it. He was comfortable with him but was still very self-conscious. His main worry was would he be able to do it without too much pain, or even be able to perform at all? It had been a long time and these worries caused many problems.

He never addressed it with John but kept it to himself; he would only deal with it if John brought it up or it got to be too much.

He woke one morning and rolled over looking at John. He felt he was wasting John's life; he clearly needed so much more and could do so much better than him. He felt John roll over and stretch. "You awake?" he asked.

"Yes, I am." he replied.

John put his arm over Finch, he felt wrong and quickly stretched; "I need a shower." he said and got up.

"Don't I get a morning kiss?"

Finch sat on the bed and gave John a quick peck.

"Is that it?"

Finch stood and said, "Yes," then walked to the bathroom. He showered not feeling better and just wishing he could go back to bed and wake up again; he hated this feeling. He went back in the bedroom to dress and saw John was fully awake.

"I want to take you for breakfast."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"I don't feel great…"

"That's all right; just have breakfast with me...please."

"Yes of course."

"Good, I'll shower and then we can go."

Finch nodded and sat on the bed to put on his clothes as John walked out.

On the way, Finch was highly self-conscious of himself and just wanted to curl up and hide, but John seemed his cool, calm self. While walking with him he realised how much attention John got from men and women alike; some very young, attractive and clearly more able than him. Why did John waste his time with him? Why didn't he find himself a normal partner? It played on his mind endlessly.

"You ok?" asked John sweetly.

"No, I feel very ill."

"Okay, well, just have tea with me then."

"Yes, okay."

While he sat having his tea he was even aware then of the attention John got. At first it made him first feel angry, then jealous and then bad. He quickly drank his tea wanting to leave.

"I'm going to go. I'll call if I get a number."

"You sure you're ok?" John asked reaching for his hand.

Finch quickly withdrew it, "We're in public."

"So? You're my partner."

Finch just stood and walked out without a word.

He wanted to cry; he was John's partner but he shouldn't be, he couldn't be what John wanted or needed -but he needed him- he was his sanity. He hailed a cab home and cried the whole way; he never cried but he wasn't crying for him, he was crying for John and the loss of all the people who would love John and give him what he wanted. He got home and fell into bed; he remained there all day and into the next. John called and text but he couldn't reply or talk to him; he felt bad for ignoring him, but it was for the best. With luck John would grow tired and leave him, but that wasn't what he wanted, not really.

He lay in bed when a knock came at the door; he lay silent as he heard the door open followed by some talking and then nothing. He guessed it was security; they're not used to him being at this home. Then he felt the bed behind him move, he rolled and saw...

"John? What are you doing here?"

"Stop asking questions and kiss me." said John moving in.

"No, I won't." he said getting out of the bed and almost falling over.

"Won't what? Stop asking questions?"

"I won't kiss you."

John looked at him, clearly confused, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just go…"

"No, I'm not going. You've ignored me for almost two days. You tell me your ill and going home and then I hear nothing. I was worried about you. Yes I've invaded your private home but tough, I'm your partner."

"But you shouldn't be."

"What?"

"You shouldn't be my partner."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to talk about it…"

"No Finch, you don't drop that on me and then not explain."

Finch walked over and looked out the window, tears falling down his cheeks. He heard John move, hoping it was away, but then he felt John behind him. He wrapped his arms around Finch's middle, and the contact made him feel worse, his crying turned to a sob.

"Finch, please, what's wrong? What did I do?"

Finch couldn't speak.

"Shall I go?" John asked.

Finch nodded.

"I'll be back. I am not leaving this topic." John said as he kissed Finch's neck then left.

Finch heard the door open then close, "I love you…" he said into the silence. He sat back on his bed. He knew what John wanted and needed, but he was frustrated and he would need money to fix it. He got out his cell and transferred one hundred dollars to John's account followed by sending him a text.

_'John, I know what you need. You'll find $100 in your account, go get it. Sorry I can't give you what you need.' _

Once sent the tears started falling down his face again. He didn't want anyone else to have John, but he couldn't satisfy him. His cell went off from receiving a text.

_'What do I need that will cost $100?' _

What could he reply? _'What I can't give you. Go to a bar or red district. Find someone young and worth your energy.'_ No reply came and he slumped back on the bed, the tears wouldn't stop falling.


	8. Chapter 8

Finch must have drifted off as next he knew the door flew open and John stood there. He threw a few (money) notes at him.

"I don't want your fucking money... Nor do I want to be with anyone else. Why do I need to? What have I done wrong? Tell me."

"Nothing…"

"I've done nothing? So you're just sending me to get sex from someone else for no reason? Don't lie to me; you swore you'd never lie to me."

"I can't give you what you want."

"And what do I want?"

"Sex…"

"No...well in time, but I don't need it."

"Can I ask something?" Finch shyly asked.

"Yes, what is it?"

"Why are you with me?"

"What?" John asked sounding upset and a little angry.

"Why are you with me?" he repeated.

"You're an amazing man, kind, gentle, and you've given my whole life meaning again. You're good looking and…yeah I like you…a lot. Why are you asking me this?"

"You could have anyone, I don't understand why your mine. I don't deserve you."

John walked across the room and sat on the bed, "Harold, I don't want anyone else. I want and need you; only you. What's brought this on?"

"I woke up self-conscious, and then walking down town I saw all the people looking at you. Some very good looking people who would give you all you need."

"But all I need right now I get from you."

"Really?"

"Yes really. If I get frustrated I deal with it. We're new together and we need time to get used to each other. And with all the numbers recently we've not been together much away from work. It will happen in time."

"You sound so sure."

"I am; you dream of me and you get hard so in time it will happen."

Finch opened his arms and John went in them, "I'm sorry, John."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I'm insecure and just feel unworthy of you."

"It's fine."

"In time it will happen, I promise."

"And until then I'll wait." he pulled back a little and cupped Finch's face, "I love you."

Finch didn't know what to do or say, the response was obvious but it wouldn't come out. John leant into kiss him, but Finch pulled away; he was dumb struck.

"I'm sorry...I..." John said surprised.

"Don't be sorry. I love you."

John pulled back, "You do?"

"Yes, and as scary as it is I do love you."

John smiled, "Give me those lips." he teased and they kissed.

"Lay with me." smiled Finch between kisses.

John nodded. He pulled back, stripping off his shoes and then stood to take off his jacket.

"Shirt, please." Finch smiled.

"Huh?" John looked confused.

"Can I help you remove your shirt?" smiled Finch.

John looked down, "Of course."

Finch stood confident and slowly started to undo the buttons, kissing his way down the newly exposed skin; then he hit blood and quickly pulled back, "You're bleeding." he said. "Turn around." and John did. "You've got a cut across your back. What happened to you?" he was deeply concerned.

"Fucker must have caught me then. I was at the cash machine and two little punks set on me, the younger one must have caught me."

"Come this way and I'll clean you up." Finch said taking his hand and leading him into the en suite. He gently pulled off John's shirt and threw it in the bin.

"Hey, I don't have another to leave in."

"Oh well, means you can't leave then, and I'm not complaining." laughed Finch, "Turn around for me."

John did as told but couldn't help but tease, "Do you like the back of me?"

Finch touched the wound, "Yes, but I'll only do it with you facing me so I can look into your eyes."

John flinched.

"Two can play your game." Finch teased.

"So I hear."

Finch moved away and found the first aid kit and opened it.

"I'll enjoy it when we do." John said.

"Sorry, what?"

"I'll enjoy it when we do; I like to see what's going on." He winked.

"I'm glad. I just hope I can manage. Anyway back to the task at hand."

He cleaned John's back and realised the cut was small but had taken a chunk of skin. He quickly patched him up.

"All done."

"Good." he grabbed Finch, "I love when you play nurse to me." and he kissed Finch's chest through his vest.

"Good, but you need to stop getting hurt so I have to do it." he laughed, "Now back to bed?"

"Sounds good to me." smiled John as he took finch's hands.

They woke later to the sound of Finch's cell going off.

"Not a number." moaned John.

Finch looked at the message, "Sorry to disappoint you, but time for work. But first one last kiss." Finch teased.

John moved and pulled Finch into a strong, passionate kiss.

"Kiss me like that and I won't get up. I'll send the call to Carter." Finch playfully said.

"Okay, I'll save it for later, as tempting as it is." John smiled, "but there's one problem; I have no shirt."

Finch laughed, "I'll get a driver to take you to your place while I look up who we've got."

"All right, sounds good." John smiled as he got up.

"How's the back?" asked Finch following him.

"Sore but I'll live." he said as he put on his shoes and jacket, "I'll see you at the library. Love you."

"Love you too." Finch smiled.


	9. Chapter 9

The number was dealt with quickly and Finch sat in the study watching the CCTV of John. He felt his usual stirring in his stomach and cock, but he wanted to feel John; he needed him more than ever before. He watched John leave the park and start making his way to the library. Finch took a deep breath; he knew what he wanted to do but not how to get it. He paced the room then he heard the door open; John was there, and it was time to act.

"Hi." called John.

"Hi." Finch breathed stepping towards John, "All done?"

"Yes, you ok?"

"I will be." He smiled.

He was right in front of John; he put one of his hands on his chest, the other on his neck. "Kiss me." he said, and John moved in; one hand around Finch's waist pulling him closer and the other on his neck. He moved in and kissed him; he pulled back, and then was right back on. It was serious, passionate and meaningful.

Finch pulled back, "I need you John. Can we go?"

"Go where?"

"Out of here."

"Ok, yours or mine?"

"Mine."

"Ok come on."

He takes John's hand and they walk out.

He settled on John's hand; even outside around the corner he kept hold of his hand and when people looked he didn't care. John was his, and tonight he was going to prove his love to him.

In the taxi Finch was confident and kept smiling at John wishing the journey would hurry up.

"You ok?" he asked John concerned by his silence.

"Yes but I will be better once we get home."

John nodded.

"You're not convinced?"

"No, just unsure."

The cab pulled up, Finch paid then got out. "Come on." he smiled and John climbed out. He took Finch's hand and they walked along together.

"Why are you unsure, John?"

"I don't know."

Finch nodded, "Almost there."

The closer he got, the more aroused he became; he wanted to throw John against the wall and kiss him till he couldn't breathe, but thought he should wait. He was let in by security, "Stay outside the house." he said and they nodded. He loved the power he had over them, though at times he wished he knew them better.

"Come on John." he smiled leading him up the stairs; John pulled back.

"What's wrong? Talk to me."

"I just want to be sure you're ok."

He cupped John's cheek, "I'm fine, I love you and want to be with you. I want to take you to my bed and show you, if you allow me to that is."

"I'd never refuse you, Harold."

"Then come to bed."

John nodded and then pushed Finch against the wall, "Kiss me." And he did, with a strong and meaningful kiss. "God, I love you." John said between kisses.

"Bed?"

"Lead on." John smiled taking Finch's hand.

This made Finch feel strong and powerful, his dominant side rising and he was ready. Once in the bedroom they slowly stripped each other, their kisses furious and serious; on lips, chests and necks. When completely naked, Finch was proud of how his erection stood solid and he was ready, seeing johns the same added extra fuel to the fire burning inside him.

"Lie down." said Finch.

John did as he was told. His body shaking with anticipation, Finch knew how to play it; he'd taken a dose of pain killers a few hours ago so they were working. Pain was not going to effect this wonderful moment. Finch sat on the bed and took out a bottle of lube from the bed side cabinet. He felt John's hand on his back, "You ok?" he asked.

"Yes, just getting this out." he said showing him the bottle.

"Mmm..." moaned John moving onto his back again.

"Do you want me to use one of these?" he said turning and showing John a box of condoms.

"You're too good." smiled John.

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"I don't mind, it's up to you. After I last slept with someone I was checked so I'm clear."

"So am I."

"Good then it's up to you"

Finch put them back on the drawer. He stood and slowly moved onto the bed then on top of John; he pulled him into a serious kiss, "I love you John."

John smiled, "I know and I love you."

Finch slid down John's body, kissing all the way down and rubbing as much of his body as he could over John's, who moaned in approval. When he arrived level with Johns cock he cupped his balls and licked up the length of his shaft, causing a loud throaty moan.

"Oh yeah…" John said and Finch licked back down. "I want you... so much."

Finch smiled and crawled back up Johns body, he kissed him and grabbed the lube he left by John's shoulder.

"Do you really want me?" he half teased and half meant it.

"Yes."

"How?" he smiled and slid back down.

"However you wish to take me."

"Good answer." said Finch as he stopped thinking how to do it.

"Shall I lean up against the headboard? Will that make it a bit easier for you?" asked John.

"I was just thinking that, and yes probably."

"Great minds think alike." John smiled.

John pulled himself up and got comfortable then pulled his legs up and open; the sight made Finch shiver. He squirted some lube on his fingers and applied some to John's ring, causing a moan again.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Oh yes." John replied.

And Finch slowly slid one finger into John, who moaned again. He allowed his other hand to explore John's chest, and especially his scars; he knew this would get another rise from him. He moved in and kissed John, passionately. He wanted to get as much noise from John as possible. He was slowly and gently easing the muscles of John's ring, and they were giving around his finger.

"That feels nice." said John.

He reached for Finch and ran his fingers down the scars on his neck. Finch shook as it sent chills through his body; no one had touched them and they were very sensitive as John had said they maybe. He gently pushed a second finger in; John moaned louder and sucked air in through his teeth. Finch scissor and explored, finding spots that made John whimper, he loved this power he had over him. The muscles relaxed and he pushed in a third and final finger.

"Uhh Finch... My god…"

"What John?" he asked teasingly, but a little concerned.

"I want you in me so much."

"Soon my love, I promise."

The muscles relaxed and he was sure John was ready. Finch knew he was a little larger than most men and the last thing he wanted was to hurt John; it had been a long time for them both. Finch moved up and furiously kissed John, leaving him panting.

"You ready?"

"Yes... Please..." he smiled, "will you do something?"

"Yes what?" he wondered what it could be.

"Once you're in and I'm ready, go balls deep in me, straight in."

"Ok…" he wasn't sure why.

"I adjust better with the sudden movement."

He kissed John again, "Ok, tell me when." he kissed him then moved down and found the lube.

"Can I do that?" asked John.

Finch smiled, the thought of John's hands on his solid cock excited him more. "I'd like that." he said and handed over the lube.

John put some on his hand, and then pressed them together, "Sit up closer." he smiled.

Finch did as asked; John sat up a bit further then took Finch's cock in his hands and started to rub the lube on. Finch squirmed in his touch, but had to concentrate so as not to cum; he wanted it all inside John.

"God you're big, I didn't expect that." John smiled and Finch kissed him.

"If it hurts at all I'll stop."

John smiled, "You're all done."

"I'll put a bit more on you." He was ready but was John? This was a big step, "You ready?" he asked.

John sat back again, "Yes I am."

Finch got on his knees; he really wanted to make this amazing for the both of them. He edged towards John and felt amazing; all he wanted to do was hear him scream his name. He held his cock at John's opening, and looking straight at John he knew he was ready. He held his breath then slowly and gently slid just inside. Deep moans came from John and he fidgeted getting comfortable.

"You ok?" asked Finch concerned.

"Yeah... Just give me a minute."

"Ok." Finch said feeling a bit crushed. He knew he was big and this worried him, also his hip was beginning to hurt. Finch ran his hands up and down John's chest, "Your body is amazing."

John took a deep breath, "All in... Please."

"Sure?"

"Yeah"

And Finch pushed the rest of the way into John. He was balls deep when felt he would lose it but he held on. John moaned deeply, sending vibrations through Finch's cock.

"Take me Finch." John said breathless.

This set Finch's fire alight again. He started slow and gentle but John's moaning made it hard to stay controlled. He took hold of John's cock and pumped it as he thrust in and out, his hip grew more uncomfortable and he had to concentrate hard on what he was doing or he would lose his erection.

"I'm going to lose it." said John.

"So am I."

With a few final thrusts, they both cum at once, John spurting on his own chest and over Finch's hand; this pleased him. Finch spilled it all into John, and he felt amazing, he eased himself out and laid on top of John, and kissed him. They lay regaining their breath, but Finch had to move, and he was in really bad pain. He rolled off John and leant into kiss him.

"Can we take a shower?" asked John pulling away from the kiss.

"Yes, that sounds like a good idea." agreed Finch, "Can I have another kiss first?"

John moved in and gave him a quick peck on the lips then got up and walked towards the en suite.


	10. Chapter 10

"John?" called Finch getting up and uneasily hobbling to the en suite; he ached all over and was worried about John. He got near the door and heard the water start up; he wondered if John was already in it. He pushed open the door to find John stood checking the water temperature. He half smiled then climbed in; Finch followed suit and climbed in but kept his distance from John to which John clearly wanted; he didn't though. He washed himself as quickly as possible then got out finding a towel for himself and one for John, who turned off the water and stepped out. He passed him the towel, "Thanks…" was all he said.

"What's wrong, John?"

"Nothing."

"You swore you would never lie to me."

"Ok, something is wrong," he started and walked out the door as Finch followed, "but I need to get it straight in my head first."

Finch feared this was going to be rejection or the end. "Ok, shall I dress and leave you to think?"

"Could you?"

He wanted to scream 'no' but said, "Yes."

He found a vest, jumper, trousers and new boxers and dressed as quickly as possible not looking at John. He found his slippers and put them on, "I'll be in my study; it's the door to the left." and he started to walk out.

"Finch?"

He turned back, "Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

Finch just nodded, why was he sorry already? What was about to happen?

Finch walked through to the study, he found the chair and sat down, then wheeled himself up to the desk. He leant his elbows on the table, hands on his face, and then it hit him he didn't have his glasses on. Great, now he couldn't even read, so he opened the desk draw and got out his iPod. He put in the headphones and skimmed through the songs trying to find one to cheer him up, even a little. But it was all classical songs, love songs or depressing songs, he noted to himself to add new songs that were a bit happier. He resumed his position with hands on his head; it wasn't comfortable but he was in a large amount of pain anyway.

Time slipped by, it soon had been two hours since he left John in the bedroom, the songs were ever increasingly depressing, and he felt worse. He hadn't felt this bad in a long time. He ran his hands through his hair -it had grown longer - he needed it cut. When he did his hair it looked stupid, now with such a spike but John never complained; he liked playing with his hair, it seemed. He felt a presence behind him and turned his chair around, and standing by the door was John.

He pulled out his headphones, "Hi."

"Hey, you ok?" asked John.

"Not really."

"I'll make it better once we've talked."

Finch felt a little hopeful, John wouldn't say that if he was going to end it. He patted the desk for John to sit by him and he did.

"Finch..." he started then paused, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be funny with you but... I'm not used to a partner like you."

Finch just looked at him waiting for him to carry on

"Unresponsive."

It hit Finch, "Unresponsive? How?" he asked putting up his defenses. He'd run it all through his mind over and over, what didn't he do?

"I know you're a private person but I thought I'd have got more from you. Noises... Moans... Calling my name, but I got nothing."

Finch moved back to his previous position, elbows on table, hands covering his face and he started to cry. He hadn't done those things but he was trying to concentrate and control the awful pain, but he'd upset John doing it. He felt John's hand on his neck, "Finch," he said, "come on, talk to me, please."

Finch looked up at John.

"Finch... My god... Come here," and he pulled him into him, but Finch resisted. "No." was all he could say.

"Why?"

Finch bit his lip; he felt he would snap if he spoke.

"Finch, please. I know I've upset you but I know its been a long time for you since you were with someone, but we can change this."

This burnt Finch, "Change it? How the hell can you change it?"

"I said we can."

"No we can't." he lost it and was shouting, "Do you have any idea how much pain I'm in from doing that? And how much it hurt during?" he paused for breath, "No you don't. I had to concentrate on what I was doing or I'd have lost it and you'd have got nothing. Would you have preferred that? Then you would have felt pity for me, for the old, crippled geek. I'd rather die." He has now crying again and John grabbed him tightly in his arms, and smoothed his hair. Finch felt calm in John's arms, his shouting moment gone out of him. All he wanted to do was love him again.

"Finch, I don't know of your pain or what brings it on and I am sorry, but I didn't mean to make you feel I was attacking you with it, because I'm not. I love you but you need to crack your shell and let me in."

"But if I told you I was in pain you'd have made me stop, and I don't let my pain run my life. Not anymore. Even less so since you came into my life."

"Ok. But you're not old or crippled. You're... You're special." John said nodding.

"Special?"

"Yes, and not at all old."

"If you say so, I feel it at times."

John just smiled.

"Are we ok? I don't want to ruin what we have." Finch said feeling slightly insecure

John pulled back in and leant into Finch. "We're fine." and he kissed him, "I love you but you do need to let me in sometimes."

"I'll work on it."

"No, we'll work on it. It's not just you anymore, it's us."

"Ok, we'll work it out. I love you."

"Good." said John as he stood up stretching.

"Are you going?"

"Do you want me to?"

Finch stood quickly and grabbed him, "no, no I don't."

"Ok then, I'll stay." and he hugged him. "Did it hurt a lot?"

"A fair bit but I... I needed you... I needed to show you how much I need you…here...with me."

"I need you too."

They stood hugging in silence for a little while.

"I'm thinking I'll cook us some dinner, you hungry?" asked Finch.

"You'll cook?"

"Yes I cook, and?"

"I meant you'll cook... for me?"

"Yes, why?"

"That's... Different for me. Normally I cook for people."

"Well this time you can play the guest."

"Sounds wonderful." smiled John.

"Ok I'll find my glasses." he pulled John down and kissed him again, "Come on then." he smiled and took his hand, leading him to the bedroom.


	11. Chapter 11

Once in the kitchen John sat at the table while Finch raided the freezer.

"Chicken, potatoes and vegetables, maybe?" he said.

"Sounds good to me."

Finch got the chicken out and went to sorting the vegetables; he hadn't cooked for someone in a long time and wanted it to be perfect. He kept glancing over at John out of the corner of his eye; Finch loved looking at him knowing he was his. Even though he was concentrating, he felt John's eyes on him more as time went on.

"Am I that fascinating to watch?" He asked not looking over.

"I'm not watching you, I'm looking at you."

Finch found this odd, "Why? What at?"

"You as a whole."

"But why?"

"I'm looking at what I have and what I like that makes you who you are."

Finch was intrigued, "Like what?"

"Your slender hands, skin tone, cute side burns, your height, how you stand." John replied. Finch saw John move but carried on preparing the food. "Your clothes, your eyes that draw me in." He was right behind Finch now, "Your smooth skin, your kissable neck, and the way you talk; your slightly greying hair." John said as he ran his left hand through Finch's hair, while sliding his right around Finch's middle. "The way you smell, the way you say my name; all that I can see right now that makes you, you."

Finch turned around and faced John, placing one hand on his chest, "But you missed one thing."

John frowned, "What's that?"

"My lips." Finch smiled causing John to smile too.

John leant in and kissed Finch. "I couldn't see them when I was sitting there, but you know I love them."

"Yes I do." he smiled and turned back to the food.

Once turned he grabbed John's hands and pulled him into his back; John instantly wrapped his arms around Finch's middle.

"I didn't think you'd want me like this while you were cooking." said John.

"Not usually but I do with you."

With all the food cooking, Finch turned into John and kissed him.

"You all right?" John asked surprising Finch.

"Yes, why you ask?"

"Well, I was worried if earlier was still playing on your mind…" John was so sweet and sincere with Finch and he loved it.

"How could I not be thinking about earlier?"

John smiled and stroked Finch's cheek, "I meant after we made love. What I said? And what you told me?"

Finch chuckled, "But that's the boring bit."

John shook his head, "But it is important."

"I know, and I've taken on what you said and I want to make next time better…for us both."

"Anything else?"

Finch thought, "Yes I will open up more to you."

John smiled and leant in to kiss him.

"I promise I will." Finch added then kissed him.

Dinner was soon ready.

"Can I open some wine?" asked Finch, trying to sound like he wasn't worried about John's former alcohol problem.

"Sounds good, but only if you want to."

"If you set the table I'll get a bottle." he said giving him a small smile and retreated out to the wine room next to the kitchen. He looked over the bottles, and it got him thinking about what happened earlier between him and John and how it could be better for them both. He'd look it up online; there must be positions they could make love in while still looking at each other, which he found highly erotic, especially since John liked it too. He selected one of the bottles and headed back to John.

The room was dark save for a candle light; he spotted John walking from the kitchen.

"You're too much." smiled Finch, surprising John who jumped making Finch laugh. "I thought I was the scared-y cat."

"Only sometimes. Why am I too much?"

"Candles for dinner?"

"Yes…well…" started John, he moved his hand and rubbed the back of his neck. He looked a little insecure so Finch went to him taking his other hand; John smiled, "it's the closest to a romantic candle lit meal we will get."

Finch smiled, "We could go out for one, one day. I didn't think you'd be an old romantic."

Again John reached for his neck but Finch grabbed it and pulled it to his cheek, "Why are you so…so…"

"Insecure?" John suggested.

"Yes, a bit insecure."

"I... I find romance a weakness, I banished it from myself years ago but it's crawling back. You bring it out of me."

"Is it a weakness now?"

"In what way?"

"Well, do you think it will affect your job by being weak? I mean, with me privately of course."

"No it won't. I now finally have a work me, Reese, and private me, John, your partner and lover. I just feel funny letting it out after so long."

Finch was taken aback by his confession and his words, "That's a good thing. I'm glad you can separate the two now. And I must confess, I like this romantic you."

John smiled, "Shall I pour the wine? You serve food?"

"No" replied Finch

"What? Why?" asked John sounding confused.

"I want your lips first."

John chuckled and pulled him into his arms, "I can't refuse you that." he said and they kissed, they lingered until Finch pulled back.

"It'll burn when you kiss me like that." He laughed and walked to the kitchen.

Over dinner they sat happily smiling at each other and exchanging glances.

"That was amazing; you'll have to cook for me again." John laughed.

"I'd love to; on the condition you'll cook for me next time."

"Promise." smiled John, and he stood taking the plates to the kitchen. He was soon back and smiling.

"Come on, let's go sit on the lounge." said Finch standing.

"Can we take the candles?" asked John.

"Sure, and the wine?"

"If you want more, but I don't."

Finch was proud of John; one glass was all he'd had while Finch was on his third. "Maybe I shouldn't, you won't like me drunk."

"No? What are you like then?"

"Very amorous and over the top. Sometimes very open and honest, too honest for some. Then clumsy and…and..."

He had a flashback to him as an eighteen year old, drunk on whisky in his dorm room at university talking to his supposed boyfriend, a guy named Phillip. He was tall, blonde and very well built; the last person you would suspect was gay or even hanging around a loser geek like him. Phillip had brought the whisky over and they were necking it from the bottle, he seemed ok until he tried to stand; he fell forward knocking some whisky over Phillip, and that's when Phillip beat him.

Screaming and shouting ensued, with fists and feet flying followed by verbal abuse from Phillip, so harsh and hurting. Finch had never been so terrified, but sobered quickly which was worse. Phillip tied his hands behind him and threw him on the bed...


	12. Chapter 12

Finch flinched at the flashback, shaking his head but it wouldn't go away.

"Harold…Harold…Finch…baby...Talk to me!"

This knocked him back to reality, "Sorry John, I…" he tried to say only to burst into tears. John looked at him, clearly unsure of what to do.

"J-John, h-hold me…" Finch cried.

John took hold of him, smoothing his hair, "Let it out Harold. Let it all out."

Finch couldn't let it out by crying, "I need to tell you…make it go away…"

"Ok…here? Lounge?"

"Here. Get a candle."

John nodded and got a candle; Finch moved from John's arms and took his hands, leading him to a small sofa. They sat and John set the candle on the small coffee table in front of them. Finch was breathing heavily but needed to get the images from his mind.

"Harold, whatever it is, don't feel you have to tell me."

"No I have to; I want to let you in."

"Alright, I'm listening."

He took a deep breath then linked his fingers through John's for support; this was his biggest secret, no one knew this, not even Grace, and he needed help. "You know how I told you I was abused and beaten before?"

"Yes…." said John sitting back.

"Well…it was by a partner."

"I guessed that."

He started telling John about how secret they were, and how he, at times, was scared of Phillip. "That night…when I knocked over the drink, he beat me and no one came to my aid. Everyone was scared of him. I was falling unconscious when he bound my hands, threw me on to the bed… and…and…." Finch's voice failed him; he was sobbing. John let go of his hands, and stood; and Finch was scared he was leaving.

"Did he rape you?" John asked, there was no change in his voice which surprised Finch.

"Y-yes." He sobbed. John moved away to the other side of the table where Finch saw him pacing up and down; he tried to calm him, "John? John," he called, "come back to me."

"I can't." He heard the anger clearly in John's voice this time.

"Why?"

"I just can't…"

"Are you repulsed by me now? Now that you've had sex with me and know my gay roots?" Finch asked standing; he was now angry at John.

"No."

"Then why wouldn't you come to me? I need you."

"Because I'm angry and I don't want you to see me like this."

Finch was now feeling defiant and walked to him.

"Leave me." John said through gritted teeth.

"No, talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking and feeling?"

"I can't…"

"Why, John? Let me in…"

"Because…I'm too angry and upset."

"And I expect you to be."

"But I want to hurt him. It makes me want to…to…I can't say it."

"John, to do what?"

"Torture him."

Finch stepped back from John as though he'd been pushed; he was surprised and stunned by what he said. John had changed a lot from those days, could something like this really push him over the edge? He had no idea what to say, but then he found words, "You can't…"

John stepped towards him, "I know I can't, I wouldn't that's not me anymore. I swear to you Finch, I will never do that again to anyone, not like I used to. Please believe me."

"John, I believe you but…"

"No buts Finch, I swear on my life, on your life I will never do it, ever."

"No John, he's dead."

"He's what?"

"Dead; Phillip is dead."

"Oh." Was all John said processing Finch's reaction, "How? When?"

"The next day from an over dose."

"Really? I'm…"

"Do not say sorry," Finch warned; he was over the pain Phillip had caused and was glad he had died, "he was found by his roommate."

"Do you think it was suicide?"

"No, he'd never do that. The drugs and drink ruled him; I was just something he used when he wanted it. Though I never saw that until that night…" Finch said. John was quiet.

"Talk to me." Finch urged.

"I don't know what to say."

Both stood silent, only a small distance apart from the other.

"Have you been with a man since Phillip?" asked John

"Yes, just one."

"Me?"

"No, but counting you two."

"Oh ok."

"Why?"

"I just wondered…"

"Yes I was passive then, and yes my next and only man I had sex with I was dominant and kept that stance. I kept control at all times."

"I know what happened with us, but..."

"John, Phillip and the other was just sex. We're more than that, aren't we?"

"Yes, to me, we are more."

"Good, because this is so much more to me too." Finch blushed at what he was about to say, but he had to tell him, "I didn't know the name of the other guy. I was suffering and needed to get men out of my system so I went to a bar and picked up a guy then never looked at another man again, at least not until I saw you."

"But why? It had been years, why did you suddenly want a man again?"

"I didn't want a man…I wanted you."

John was quiet again; Finch reached out and touched John's arm, "You're an amazing and special man John, I know I'm safe with you; I knew just then approaching you, angry and upset you wouldn't hurt me. After Phillip I couldn't trust anyone male or female for a long time, but as soon as I spoke to you, I knew I could trust you… and love you."

John gave a small smile.

Finch took a breath; that had taken a lot out of him, "I'm sorry…" he said; he thought he had better after all he had revealed.

"Why are you sorry, Harold?" John asked, his mood clearly calmed once again.

"That I sprung this on you after what we've been through today."

John moved and pulled Finch into his chest, "It's fine; it hurts me that you've been through that, but I'm glad I know, and that you let me in. Also I know why you sometimes look scared."

"Still I'm sorry."

"Harold?"

"Yes?"

"Just kiss me." He said and smiled.

How could Finch resist? He couldn't; he looked up and John's lips met his. They lingered for a bit until John pulled back.

"I love you," John smiled, "but can we never mention this again. I know it makes you who you are but…"

"That's fine, I'm happy to never talk about it again. I want to talk about us."

"Sounds good to me." Smiled John, who then yawned. "What time is it?" he asked. Finch found the lamp and turned it on.

Both looked away from the light; John rubbed his eyes. "It's almost nine."

"Bed time?" Finch asked, hoping for a yes. He wanted it; he needed John's body next to his in the tightest of embrace.

"Only if we can snuggle?"

'_Perfect.'_ thought Finch, "Always. Come on." He said taking John's hand and leading him to the bedroom.

"Can I help you undress?" asked John.

Finch smiled, "I'd like that."

And he thoroughly enjoyed it. John was gentle and caring, taking his time. "I like this." smiled Finch.

"Good. I like doing it."

Soon he was in just his boxers and he helped John undress; he enjoyed it, and it was sensual and loving. Finch crawled into bed and turned on the lamp as John turned off the main light, then he joined Finch in bed and snuggled into him.

"Thank you for everything." said John.

"What did I do that I deserve thanks for?"

"You brought me here, you made love to me, you cooked for me, you've had me around all day and now you're going to sleep with me. I love waking up next to you."

"Oh John, you make me feel so good."

"Good, I do try"

"I love you. Tomorrow can we go to the library in the morning; after breakfast at my favourite place?"

"Sounds nice." John yawned, "You worried about the machine?"

"Yes, it's been quiet, but it's good. The time has brought us closer."

"Yes, it has." again he yawned.

Finch leant in and kissed John, "Night John, sweet dreams."

"Night Harold, love you." John replied and they settled down to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

Finch woke first, he smiled at the amazing body next to him, and he felt fully content and at last happy. He'd let his biggest secret go and he was glad it was to John, who at first was angry then calm and understanding. Finch moved to get closer to John and he realised he was rock solid. He smiled to himself; he knew John was also usually more aroused in the morning. Finch grinned from ear to ear and leant into John and kissed his cheek; no reaction, then his neck, a little movement. '_Right_' thought Finch and he moved, easing himself between John's legs, "Uhn... John..." he whispered doing his best to make as much noise as possible, "I need you…"

John wriggled below him, "Hm?"

"Morning baby, I need you."

John opened his eyes, "Mmm…Nice wake up for me today." he reached up and pulled Finch into his lips, the kiss was strong and passionate. Finch groaned into the kiss and slowly started to grind against John, who also moaned.

"Mmm... John... You're so hard... I can't possibly let you go to work like this can I? What sort of lover would I be?"

John smiled, "I don't know, but what you going to do about it?"

Finch smiled and gently kissed his way down John's cheek, neck to his well-toned chest, licking, sucking and gently biting. Finch moaned as John run his fingers through his hair and he made his slow decent. He half expected John to be forcing him down but he wasn't, the massaging of his scalp was nice, and then John found his scars. Finch almost leapt in the air, he still wasn't used to someone touching his scars but he did like it. He reached John's stomach and carried on his slow kissing decent; he kissed John's cock through his boxers eliciting a loud moan from John, and he then kissed down his thighs then back up to his navel. Finch looked up at John and slowly eased his boxers down; John's cock stood to attention. Finch took a deep breath, and it was amazing to clearly see what he causes John's body to do. He pulled them fully off and threw them aimlessly across the room.

"Mmm John..." Finch moaned and slowly took the head in his mouth. John moaned at this and Finch moaned on it; he knew this would send vibrations through and John moaned louder.

"Harold... Mmm..."

Finch smiled and took the shaft fully in his mouth.

"Ohh…Shit…" called John.

Finch started bobbing up and down, slowly at first then started a bit quicker. He moaned as he did it, he loved this, John was so responsive, and he understood why John had been unhappy when they made love.

He pulled back fully and licked the shaft, then licked off the pre cum, "Mmm…I can't wait to taste you…fully," Finch moaned and then took John fully in again.

John's moans grew louder and his hands rougher on Finch's neck and shoulders, and his breathing grew rougher.

"Hn…h…"

Finch looked up and caught John's eye.

"I'm... close."

Finch went full on; he needed John to cum, and he needed it as much as John did.

"Hn…Oh my god h…Yeah…Umm…"

Finch loved all the noise and it was fueling him on too; he wanted to see it all play out across John's face and kept his eyes on him.

"H...H...Oh god…" John shouted as he came full force into Finch's mouth.

Finch pulled back a little to get a better taste then John slumped back on the bed, spent. Finch pulled back and smiled.

"Mmm…you taste amazing."

John just panted. Finch smiled and crawled up John's body, still moaning himself. He reached level with John's flushed red face, "Did you enjoy that?" he teased brushing his nose across John.

John wiggled a little below Finch, "You…didn't…cum."

"No, that wasn't my..." he started, but was suddenly on his back with John above him, "intention." he finished.

"Well I... intend to."

"Won't take much." he stated as John pulled his boxers off.

"I don't care." he said and pulled Finch's legs apart, "I just want to taste you." and John took the head in his mouth. Keeping an eye on Finch he took the whole shaft and started to bob up and down.

"Uhh... God... John... Yeah..." moaned Finch. He'd suddenly grown to love moaning and groaning, John wanted it and he was getting it.

"John... I'm... I'm close..." sooner than he had expected but he was, and John sucked harder.

"Mmm…Yeah...Like that... Mmm... Uhh...John... Uhn." Finch panted as he came full force into John's warm mouth.

He slumped back on the bed and lay enjoying the sensations going through him.

"Mmm…" said John, "You also taste amazing." Then he crawled up Finch's body kissing his way up to his neck, chin, and cheek then stopped.

"No…kiss?" stated Finch still breathless.

"I didn't think you'd want to taste yourself."

"Humph." Finch said and pulled John into a serious, passionate kiss. He pushed his tongue through John's lips, and he did indeed taste himself but didn't care, "I love you." he whispered as he pulled back.

"I love you too." whispered John, "You ok lying like this?"

"Yes its fine, I'm actually comfortable."

"Good. Sorry I flung you over."

"It's fine, I liked it."

"I'll remember that, for good days only though?" chuckled John.

"Yes indeed."

He wrapped his arms around John's neck and held him to him; he loved the feel of having John like this.

"Do we have to go to work?" John whispered from Finch's shoulder, "Can't I call my boss and say I'm ill?"

"I'm sure if there's no number he'll let you go home."

"You sure?"

Both laughed; they were both very different at work and it could be they were separate beings. John moved up to face Finch, "I'm thinking a shower, and then go check the machine followed by breakfast. What do you think?" he asked.

"I'll need tea though." smiled Finch.

"Well drop me off near the shop; I can get your tea while you go onto the library."

"Sounds good to me."

"Good." John smiled and snuggled into Finch's neck.


	14. Chapter 14

They got up and showered together then dressed.

"I'll have to go commando today" laughed John.

"Thanks for the image."

"That's ok," smiled John and kissed him.

They got taken down town in car, where they sat smiling. Finch loved seeing John smile, and he knew this was because of what he had done. They turned the corner by the coffee shop and the car pulled up.

"So I'll see you at work?" smiled Finch, not wanting to let John out of his sight.

"Yes I won't be long," he paused "are we on work time yet?"

"No."

"Good," said John and pulled Finch into his lips "I miss you already," he smiled and got out.

Finch smiled the rest of the way and in the library. Once inside he found papers by the printer, this confused him, was it a number just coming through? It couldn't have been he assured himself or the machine would have contacted him. He picked the paperwork up and went to the computer, the photo printed was not one of the woman they last saved. He got into the system and checked the history, the number came through yesterday evening when he was at home, but he had nothing through, what was going on? He looked further into it and saw what had happened.

"Why did you do this?" he asked not just the computer but at himself too.

'Sorry' popped up on the screen.

"What?"

'Sorry system admin.'

"You're saying sorry?"

'Yes.'

This confused Finch, this part of the system hadn't worked when he tried to program it in.

"Why didn't you contact me? Why did you go to Carter?"

A video feed popped up on screen, it was of him with John in bed snuggled up at the time the number came through.

'System admin happy.'

"Yes I was."

'Need system admin happy.'

"why do you need me happy?"

'Good for system admin.'

Finch laughed, "So you contacted Carter instead of Reese and me as I was happy?"

'Yes.'

He was a bit angry, but also a little glad, "You must never do this again; you need to contact me at all times, no matter what."

'Sorry system admin.'

"It's fine, but never do it again"

He felt stupid talking to the system, but he had to ask,

"Was the number resolved?"

'yes all complete. No new number.'

"Good."

He turned to the other monitor and hesitated slightly on how to word what he wanted to know, he thought then decided to be blunt 'gay sex positions' and up popped loads of pages. He selected one and found many but none like he had hoped, second try nothing but porn, third time and he was lucky

"push up, push down" read Finch out loud,

he read the rest and smiled at the thoughts in his mind, it was exactly what he was looking for.

"What you looking at Mr. Finch?" came John's voice.

Finch jumped and shut down the page as quickly as possible "nothing" he turned to John.

"Ok..." he said pulling a face "you're nothing or my nothing?"

Finch stood to take his tea but John pulled back "I'll tell you at home alone in private." promised Finch

"Hmm..." replied John.

"It's a good thing, I promise."

"Ok" smiled John and handed him his tea.

"Thanks" smiled Finch and took a swig.

"A number?" asked John looking at the desk.

"Not quite, ask the machine" replied Finch.

"What? Ask the machine?"

"Yes."

John pulled a skeptical face, "machine what is this?"

The monitor lit up, 'Old number.'

"It responds" said John surprised.

"Yes" smiled Finch.

"What you mean old number?"

Finch was trying not to laugh watching John talking to the machine.

'Dealt with by Detective Carter.'

"When?"

'Yesterday at 11pm'

John turned to Finch, "did you hide this from me?" He sounded unhappy.

'System admin did not know.'

The same video of them in bed popped up.

"You didn't contact Finch?"

'No sorry.'

"Why?"

'System admin happy.'

"You can make it not do that again can't you?" asked John looking at Finch.

"Its said it won't, but I can't make it"

'System admin?' It sounded almost tentative.

"Yes," said Finch.

'Promise will not perform operation again.'

"Good to know" said John.

'No new number' and the monitor went dark again.

"How can it do that? It knows good emotions, isn't it meant to just see bad things?" asked John drinking his coffee.

"It is but clearly its evolving. It sees so much it must learn happiness," replied Finch, not even sure if the system could do that but it sounded logical enough to him.

"So no number means breakfast" smiled John.

"Yes it does."

"Good, all the exercise has made me hungry." laughed John as he wrapped an arm around Finch's shoulders.


	15. Chapter 15

Number kept coming up keeping finch and john apart, which he grew to hate, at times wishing he hadn't started the relationship with john, wishing he'd kept his cool head and dealt with his feeling alone, but then john would call or come by and he was glad he had let him in, that he did start their relationship. Then it all fell down again when john was attacked and beaten up, and finch heard it all. Ye didn't want to but he couldn't stop the call, he needed to hear john breathing when it ended then if he had to he would go get him.  
"Mr Reece?"

"Yeah" came an uneasy, breathless voice

"I'm coming to get you"

"ok"

"Talk to me, I know it hurts"

"its fine, ill get the buggers once I'm fit"

"whatever you say"

Finch already had the car on stand by and quickly jumped in and got to john as soon as possible. He was leant on a wall as the car pulled up

"come on john let's go" said finch wrapping his arm around john back

"carters gonna pick the guy up" said john as he let finch guide him to the car.

"that's your plan?" he knew the guy was clearly dangerous, why would he let carter pick him up?

"yes he's on the floor there, unconscious so no hassle for carter"

"oh ok..."

"I got him down, the others run"  
Finch helped john into the car "home" he called to the driver who drove off.

The ride was quiet which finch was glad of, he liked quiet sometimes, which john now appreciated and let him have at times with him. The arrived sooner than finch expected, he got john in as quickly as possible

"come on, bedroom" he urged John

"ok" he said and let finch lead him upstairs.

Once in the room john started to strip down to his boxers  
"on the bed" asked finch "do you need much patching?"

"no..." said john uneasily sitting on the bed "can we have a shower? I'm dirty, don't want to ruin the sheets" he smiled "not that you've minded before" he chuckled, then winced

"very funny. Do you want to shower alone?"

"no, that's why I said can we"

Finch smiled, put his glasses on the night stand, took John's hands, leading him to the en suite. He stripped with John's help, then stepped into the shower as john stripped out of his boxer then stepped in. As soon as finch saw john naked he felt the usual stir in his cock, and he was growing hard, even worse john noticed  
"I'm sorry, this is inappropriate" said finch feeling bad

John leant into Finch's ear "don't be sorry. Its been sometime us being like this, its fine" he kisses finchs ear "when I'm recovered... You just wait" he teased

"I have plans too, so should be a good time"

John smiled and kissed finch

"shall I wash your hair for you?" finch asked

"could you?"

"Bend down..." he paused "yes I know very funny"

And john laughed just realising what finch had said "You like my hair don't you?" asked john

"yes, is it that obvious?"

"not overly" john bent down leaning against the wall  
Finch loved John's hair, whenever he could he found and excuse to touch it or run his hands through it. Washing it was new and very sensual for him

"can you do this more often?"asked john

"why?" asked finch expecting a joke or banter

"I like how it feels" smiled john sincerely

"yes I can then, I like it too"

They finished showering and got dried

"come on back to bed" teased finch

"its too early" moaned john like a child

"sleep a little then we can eat"

"only if you sleep with me" smiled john

"of course, I planned to neway" this was bold of finch and he knew it

John pulled him into his arms "I'm proud of you"

"why? What for?" asked finch confused

"being so bold with me, at last"

Finch didn't know how to reply.

"come on let's lie down" urged john pulling back and sitting on the bed.

They got into bed and john laid on his side "oww" came from him with an uneasy face

"lie on your back" urged finch pushing him a little

"but I can't snuggle you like this" he looked sad

Finch stayed on his side and stroked his face "its fine. Once your recovered we can snuggle more. Now just rest"

"I can't" he said

"right" said finch leaning up on his elbow "close your eyes" john did "good, keep them closed" and he started to run his hands down John's eyes, nose, and cheeks, finally john sighed "that's it" whispered finch carrying on

"h?" john said and opened his eyes

"yes"

"I haven't told you why I call you H have I?" yawned john

"no" he replied impatiently

"its because people know you as Harold, and at work your finch so I call you H as..."

"its short for Harold, yes now sleep" finch interrupted

"no" yawned john

"honey go to sleep, you've been through so much"

"but ill forget to tell you"

"ill remind you I promise, now sleep"

"ok" yawned john and closed his eyes again.

Finch continued to stroke John's face, he liked doing this, it was again very sensual and it got john off to sleep. He missed the days he would be helped to sleep this way, maybe john would return it one day.


	16. Chapter 16

With john finally asleep finch laid deciding what to do, to get up or snuggle up. Snuggle up won and he did, resting his head on johns shoulder and his arm across his chest, it felt natural, it felt right.

Time passed and finch lay happily thinking, wondering why else john would call him h, and if he would wake feeling any better. He felt john stir but remained where he was,

"I love your snuggles" came a sleepy whispered voice

"So do I" replied finch also whispering, he moved up so he could see john "how do you feel?"

"A little better. Just hungry"

"What can I do to make it a bit more than a little?" smiled finch trying to sound serious

"Nothing"

"I can think of a way" he smiled

"How?"

"I love you" he whispered

"I love you too, h"

"Uh yes, do you remember what you wanted to tell me?"

John looked at finch "other than I love you?"

"Yes?"

"No what?"

Finch was teasing and he loved it "no, uh well, ill have to not know"

John moved his right hand to finch's cheek "no, what was it?"

"Nothing, clearly it doesn't matter" a half smile crept in, he wasn't as good as john with teasing

"It must do, come on tell me"

Finch broke into a smile "ok, yes Ill tell you. I'm not as good as you at teasing"

"No but your getting better"

Finch smiled, it was true the more time he spent with john the better he did get "you wanted to tell me why you call me h"

"Yes, I did" remembered john "well, your finch at work, and Harold when I'm teasing you so I needed a new name for you. Also Harold is too long to shout" laughed john

Finch smiled along and waited now interested

"Well, I'm nothing without you, work or otherwise. Yes h is short for Harold but James bond has 'M' doing the same as you do, but your much better looking than Judi dench"

Laughed john, causing finch to laugh too

"But the main reason is" he paused "I was out the other day getting coffee, and I was thinking about you when a song came on and it was so true about us"

"What song?" finch was melting at johns words, he felt he would die unless he very soon locked lips with john

"Halo by beyonce"

Finch nodded, waiting for the rest, he actually knew and liked the song, but it wasn't one that was on his ipod, he decided it would have to go on it, especially now it would have relevance.

"Well it sings how I feel about you and us. But I couldn't imagine you being called angel"

Finch laughed "no, why?"

"Angel to me would be a huge gangster or a dealer, not you and halo just reminds me of the game. So h I think sounds best"

Finch nodded

"But yes at times I will call you angel" smiled john

"Thank you" smiled finch, wanting to cry.

This was the sweetest thing he'd been told for longer than he could remember, since early in his days with grace and that was a long, long time ago. He felt a tear escape and let it run down his cheek; he needed john to see it,

He did "I'm sorry, was that wrong?"

Finch smiled "no, it was beautiful"

"Then?" john paused

"No one for longer than I care to remember has made me feel this way" he paused, then he felt bad "but I can never return the gesture"

He suddenly died inside, he couldn't return the feeling, he couldn't articulate the words needed. He felt useless

"Harold stop"

Finch looked at john confused

"Stop drawing back"

He was, how did john know?

"I do get that feeling from you. When you smile at me, when you kiss me, when your like this. Laid out, naked or topless, scars showing and not conscious, not caring that I see them. That's when I know you trust me, and love me"

Another tear escaped, john could see his intentions when he did these things, he couldn't believe john had realised

"I don't need sweet words or songs to show me, I know. I feel it" john paused "but I've used my body too long to get what I needed out of people, sex was a weapon. So I needed to tell you in words how I feel. I need you to know I mean them, especially as you know my background"

Which finch did, john had used his charm and good looks to get close to men and women, sleeping with some to get what he needed "yes I do and at times it did cross my mind that that was what this was, I can't lie to you but I know you had nothing to gain"

"Only your love and trust"

"Yes"

"God angel, roll over" john looked suddenly serious

Finch did as asked. John slowly sat up, move finch's legs apart and climbed on top of him. instantly finch's left had when on johns side and the right to his neck, and john moved in, placing his lips gently on his, it was a short kiss and john pulled

"All I do with you, I do as I want to, as I need to, because I love you, no other reason"

"I know" smiled finch

The kissing resumed, finch loved kissing it was so sensual and personal, he could kiss all night long without it turning into love making, grace never understood it but kissing john that moment he knew john understood.

"I could kiss you all night" smiled john

"So could I" he paused "but you need food?"

John laughed

"Let's get food then"

John didn't get up

"Then we can come back and resume"

John smiled "sounds good to me" kissed him then slowly got up

"What would you like?" asked finch putting on his pants

"No idea"

"Umm... Omelette with cheese?"

"Sounds good to me" smiled john slowly getting up.

Both dressed in pants and shirt made their way hand in hand downstairs.


	17. Chapter 17

Once in the kitchen Finch set to finding what he needed while John watched stood by the table

"Do I get an audience again?" he smiled to himself

"No"

"No?"

"No, I want to snuggle again while you cook, I like doing that"

He turned "so did I, sounds good"

He set all the ingredients out ready "this isn't very interesting to eat"

"I know but its fine"

"Right" said Finch to himself, thinking how to work it "you coming over then?" he asked

"Yes" replied John

He felt his arms go around his middle and John's chin on his shoulder "ok?"

"Perfect" smiled Finch

He liked this closeness and snuggled in

"H can I ask something?"

"Course" he said putting the eggs into the frying pan

"When we first met and I woke tied to the bed post, was that you who tied me up?"

This was a funny moment, Finch chuckled "that was forever ago, I forgot about that but yes it was. Why?"

"I just wondered"

"Tell me you enjoyed it?"

"I didn't then, I hated it but..." he paused

Finch knew what he was about to say "yes I would"

"You would what?"

"What your going to ask"

"What? You'd tie me to the bed again?"

"Yes, if you wanted me to"

He felt John wriggle behind him; he knew he was getting excited

"Shall I tell you something?" he was fully teasing now and he had the upper hand for once

"Yes, what?"

"I was so tempted to touch you, you were so out of it but alas I knew I needed your trust more than a quick fumble"

John wriggled more "and then when you pinned me, uh god John" he was teasing so much, "uh shit" he said quickly pulling the pan off the heat

"Opps" said John

"Its a bit crispy, I'll do you another" and he started to prepare another ignoring John's laughing "its not that funny"

"Yes it is, that's your penance for teasing"

"Huh, so why does nothing ever happen when you do it?"

"Luck I guess, neway you were saying when I pinned you..."

"Uh yes" remembered Finch paying attention to the omelette "it was the first time I'd been touched in ages and I... I feel stupid saying it"

"Come on, what? Its only me"

"I got hard" he started to feel a blush

"Really? I didn't notice"

"No thankfully you were too angry at me"

"Maybe" and John kissed his neck

"I guess your feeling a bit more energised now?" said Finch trying not to sound hopeful or suggesting anything but he was, he wanted, he needed attention especially talking about what they had been

"Umm, Mr Finch do I detect a hint in that question?"

"Maybe Mr Reece"

John kissed his neck again, "omelette" he said and Finch pulled it off the heat "remind me to never let you cook omelettes again"

"I got distracted"

Both laughed

"But at least we won't get ill if their burnt" laughed Finch.

They ate in silence, so much was flooding Finch's mind, he hoped he could get John to bed and to try the new position, he was sure he would try it with him, it was just could he after the fight.

"What you thinking?" asked John setting his cutlery down

"How much I want to get you into bed"

John's mouth fell open

"I can be to the point too, its not just you" mused Finch proud,

"So I hear again. I think I'm rubbing off on you, your getting my habits"

"Oww I hope to have lots of rubbing" Finch licked his lips and stood taking the plates to the kitchen, leaving John sat stunned. He put all the dishes in the dishwasher then returned to the table

"You coming then?" he asked offering John his hand,

He took it and stood up "yes always ".

Finch led John out of the kitchen towards the bedroom; he felt strong, dominant and knew what he wanted.


	18. Chapter 18

Once in the bedroom Finch sat on the chair at the dresser

"John strip for me" he said in his best voice

"strip? Myself?" John asked

"yes, slowly"

John nodded "any order?

"yes" Finch paused looking at what John had on "shirt, socks, then pants"

"OK" said John and he moved his hands to his shirt. keeping on eye on Finch started to slowly undo the buttons, one by one, then he slid it off his shoulders onto the floor.

Finch was growing hard already and all John had lost was his shirt, he loved being in control. Then he watched as John bent down and balanced pulling off a sock, then balanced to do the other

"you enjoying this?" John asked

"maybe" was all Finch said

Then John set to slowly undoing his pants button then flies, he slowly let them down and kicked them off his feet. Seeing John stood in just his boxers excited Finch, but he wondered how John felt,

he stood "how do you feel like that?" he asked

"less dressed than you but I do as I am told"

"good boy" mused Finch, now it was his turn "come here" John did "now I need help, undress me" he paused, John looked excited "no unnecessary touching" John nodded "shirt, socks, pants" he repeated again John nodded.

Finch could see the concentration on Johns face as he started to slowly undo the buttons on Finch's shirt. Once undone John walked behind Finch and eased it off holding the collar, well thought thought Finch, then he came back round

"can you rest your hand on my shoulder?" asked John as he bent down, Finch did "thank you. Right up" Finch raised his right foot and John slowly eased off his sock, "left now" and he switched feet "thank you" said John and stayed knelt as he slowly undid the button on Finch's pants.

Finch could of burst and grabbed John but held on, he had to concentrate also. He looked up and felt the zipper go down,.he looked back at John, who gently eased them down, "foot out" Finch did then the other, his solid cock straining in his boxers was right in Johns face, he'd of loved to get him to release him, but he wanted to play more with John then cum inside him.

"stand" Finch said and John did, his fists at his side shaking slightly "that was well done, but how much do you want me?" he was teasing again

"more than I have ever wanted you or anyone ever"

Finch smiled and practically lept John, kissing him furiously,.which John responded to, but Finch lost his dominance and pulled back

"John?"

"yes"

"just love me"

John smiled "always" and grabbed Finch into him again,

leading him towards the bed "lie down" said John and Finch did "get comfortable" he smiled and opened the bedside cabinet, pulling out the lube, he placed in on the bed and smiled "glasses?" Finch smiled and took them off handing them to John.

Finch wasn't sure if John was being dominant or not, but he liked it, he got the pillows and got comfortable, he was going to be on his back for a bit and needed it to be perfect,

"done?" asked John

"yes, come here" he replied,

not so much to be dominant but he needed him, he was at eye level with John's hard cock, restrained by his tight boxers, he wanted John's lips, his body, to release him.

John climbed on the bed and the between Finch's legs, he lay down and was straight on his lips, kissing, licking and nibbling. Finch's hands were all over John's fit, beautiful body, he loved it and it was all his. He pulled on John's boxers and John moved up pulling them off and they aimlessly went across the room, then John made light work of removing his. Finch was proud again at how his cock stood hard and solid next to John's,

"can we try something new?" Finch asked as John moved back down kissing his neck

"if you want to"

"oh I do"

"I trust you so tell me what to do and ill do it"

"I love you" Finch smiled and found the lube "could you kneel up for me please?" John did and Finch sat up to prepare him, "umm its been too long since I've done this"

"it has, I love you. deeper" moaned John,

One finger became two then three, John was ready and he needed him so much

"John... Can you climb on me?"

"on you?" John repeated

"yeah.. Umm.. John... On me..I think it will be easier"

John nodded "lie down then" Finch did.

He closed his legs, holding his cock up, all of a sudden worry came over him, no one had been above him, in control like this since Philip, he felt John straddle his legs

"h... Umm yeah h.. I..." he paused "Hey Harold look at me"

Finch looked at him, he saw the care, the love, he liked John up there, it was far sexier

"I like you up there.. Yeah... You ready for me?" he was suddenly so sure, he trusted John and he needed this

"you OK?" said John stroking Finch's cheek

"yes"

"sure"

"perfectly"

"good, you got hold?" Finch grabbed his own cock again

"yes. You have full control I won't move"

He watched eagerly and John eased himself onto his cock until the head vanished

"umm... H"

"John..."

He felt John take a few deep breaths "ready baby?" asked John,

Finch just nodded and watched as John took his whole cock in. He gave out a deep moan and felt taken over,

"uhh... God... H... Baby... Yeah" came from John

Finch was consumed with so much, "John... Umm..."

was all he could manage as John started to rock, with one hand he grabbed John's right hip, the other he let wander up Johns chest

"uhh... God...angel... This... Ummmm" was all John could manage but finch knew what he meant,

he felt the same, especially when John's hands came to his chest, slightly pushing but he liked it

John's moans got louder and the pace quickened, Finch was close and he knew John was, He slid his hand from John's hip to his cock to help him along.

"huh.. H... That's good"

"yeah?"

"I'm close"

"I know, give it to me"

John went full force, the pace sped right up, Finch was moaning so loud, he didn't think he was able to be so loud, with John pushing on his chest he was restrained to the bed, which was a little uncomfortable but it was worth it. He felt John tighten around him as he cam all over Finch's stomach and chest then Finch followed, spilling everything he had in John.

John slowed up his pace but still had Finch pinned, with Finch's erratic breathing the force was difficult to bare

"John?"

"yeah" he replied breathless

" can... Can you ease off... my chest?"

John moved his hands quickly "sorry" and he placed them above Finch's head "I can't move more... than that just... Yet" he said

"That's fine, kiss me"

John did and Finch melted, he loved kissing John.

"I need to get off" said John

he gently moved back, then onto his side of the bed, and leant on Finch's shoulder with his head. They lay like this regaining their breath, Finch felt he was high on something, he felt amazing, hardly any pain and he felt thoroughly spent.

He hoped John felt the same, then John moved up Finch expected a kiss but he quickly put his head back down, this concerned Finch

"you OK?" he asked, No reply came "John? You OK?"

"yeah" he said Finch wasn't convinced

"John, what's wrong? Look at me, didn't you enjoy that?"

A long pauses ensued.


	19. Chapter 19

"I can't look at you"

John may as well of punched him, he hurt, what had he done

"why not? What did I do wrong?"

"nothing"

"then why..."

John jumped in "look at your chest"

Finch looked down, and gasped. He saw two clear red hand prints, part looked a little bruised already

"see why I can't look at you?" said John sadly

"yes" he was surprised he didn't think John had pushed that hard "and its fine"

"What? No its not, I've hurt you"

"it doesn't hurt" which it didn't

"your just saying that"

"I'm not, I swore I'd never lie to you"

"its bruised"

"so I see, but it doesn't hurt, I swear. John please believe me"

no reply came,

Finch rolled onto his side and pulled John into him

"don't do this to yourself or to us" he grabbed his hand and run it over the marks

"see no reaction, if it hurt I would flinch wouldn't I? But I didn't its fine. Please John"

"kiss me" whispered John

Finch did making the most of his mood change

Finch pulled back "John did you enjoy being on top?"

John took Finch's hand and guided it to his mouth and kissed it

"yes I did, did you?"

"yes"

"so can we do that position again?"

"if you want to"

"I do. You sure it doesn't hurt?"

Finch smiled "I promise. Umm... Shall we go shower?"

"sounds good, see how much more that'll bruise"

Finch rolled over and stood "come on then" he smiled

In the shower he made the most of having John with him, he knew at any time a number could come up and keep them apart for a while.

"I love you" smiled John as he turned the water off

"I love you too"

John got out and helped Finch out,

"I'm thinking, will you come stay at mine tomorrow?" asked John looking a little unsure

This surprised Finch "I'd like that, any reason why?"

"change of scenery for you, and I want to spoil you"

"you don't have to"

John wrapped his towel around himself and stepped forward taking Finch's towel and started to dry his back,

"I know I don't have to but I want to, and no not because of this. Its because I always get spoilt by you and I want to return it, so will you?"

John stepped back around facing him

"I'm not used to being spoilt"

"but you deserve it" said John and kissed him "so will you?"

"yes, OK, I'd like that"

John grinned a huge smile "I'm glad"

"so am I"

Soon back in bed they snuggled up and Finch fell into a peaceful, happy sleep in the arms of his amazing loving partner.

When he woke he was refreshed and happy,

"morning angel" rung out in a sleepy voice

"morning"

Life was complete, he had everything he never thought he would have and he couldn't have been happier. He got up and stretched

"coffee?" he asked

"please, do you want a hand?"

"no ill bring it to bed for you"

"umm... Still spoiling me, but first come here"

Finch nodded and walked over, John sat up and pulled him closer "it's still bruised"

"please don't..."

"I'm not I'm just looking, also... I wanted to do this"

and he blew a raspberry on Finch's stomach, causing a loud screech from Finch as he lept back. It felt funny and it also surprised him, clearly John was in a playful mood.

"you wait" he warned as he went to the wardrobe getting out his bath robe

"I think you'd look good in a bath robe, a pink fluffy one" teased Finch,

then he quickly darted away from a flying pillow "with matching slippers"

and walked out laughing.

He stopped on the way downstairs to look at his chest in the mirror, it was bruised slightly on three places, two he guessed was fingers, the other he guessed was just from pressure. But he didn't care, he had thoroughly enjoyed it. It wasn't even a dominance thing, it was just bliss to be made to feel so good without pain.

In the kitchen he set to making coffee for John and himself tea, he felt excited about going to John's to be spoilt, he wasn't used to being spoilt. He wondered what John would do then decided to stop thinking, he definitely thought too much, John always told him,

He finished the drinks and carried then back up, drinks in bed was an insane idea to him but he knew John would like it.

He walked in and John was laid arms above his head smiling,

"you look like a model like that" he stated, and he did,

"how do I?"

Finch laughed "how? Your kidding me?"

"no"

"your fit, muscular"

John sat up as he walked over

"dark, tall, handsome, sexy"

he handed him his cup "and best of all, mine"

He smiled and walked around to his side

"if you didn't have a drink in your hand I'd grab you right now" smiled John sounding excited

"would you now?" he teased taking a sip of tea,

he put his cup on the side and slowly undid his robe and let it slip down

"far sexier" smiled John

"even with added scars?"

"I have scars too, and mine are more visible"

"but your my solider, your meant to"

"and your my..."

"old crippled geek, yes" he was teasing but Johns face dropped

"no, not at all"

"no then what?"

he crawled into bed next to John, who pounced and pinned him to the bed below him,

"my wonderful, caring, determined, honest lover"

"that's not a tittle?"

"OK, your tittle is..." he paused "uh yes... John's"

"John's?"

"yes, I'm your solider and your mine" he paused "no, I have it, your the brains. I'm the brawn, your the beautiful, wonderful brain"

Finch laughed "I can deal with that"

"good" smiled John and kissed him.

John rolled off and sat up against the headboard, Finch followed suit, then got his tea,

John did the same

"I was thinking while you were gone" he said suddenly

"thinking what?"

"well, its silly really" he said shying away

Finch took his free hand "what hunny?"

"I was wondering can I actually call you my partner now? We've never really made ourselves together official"

"you want it to be official? But only we know. Will it make any difference?"

"it will to me, not how I feel about you but it will how I feel about what this is"

"OK, then if you want to, yes we can become official"

"feels nice" smiled John

"does it? I don't feel any different"

John laughed "that's just you but it'll grow on you"

"if you say so" smiled Finch.


	20. Chapter 20

Over the next few days it did set in for finch, he did feel different, he felt whole again, the piece of him missing was a partner, was a loving partner. But again numbers kept them apart for a few days, but finch felt fine, it gave him time to think.

"all done" came Johns voice over the ear piece

"good, library then home?"

"no"

"oh, OK do we have plans?"

"sort of, your coming to mine"

"oh yes so I am, OK library then yours"

"much better, see you soon" and the line cut

Could he really stand being fussed over and looked after? Maybe he thought but he would try, for John, for them. He set to packing a few bits into a bag from his stash at the library.

John soon arrived "right, home, bed, then spoiling begins tomorrow"

"OK" said Finch collecting his bag.

He loved waking next to John and knowing he was now his partner in every way.

For once John was still asleep when he woke up, but he dared not move or get up, he had to do as he was told and accept being spoilt. Laid looking at John he felt amazing, no one had ever made him feel like he did right then, even four years with grace couldn't compare.

Slowly John started to move and opened his eyes

"morning" smiled Finch

Then he leant into kiss him but John moved away and quickly sat up swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, facing away from Finch, who found this very odd, he stroked his back

"you OK hunny?" he asked a little concerned

John didn't reply but stood up "I'll make you tea, stay in bed" and he walked out.

Finch had never known John to be so cold towards him and he didn't like it, but did as he was told and stayed in bed.

He sat up with his back on the headboard and waited, it seemed like forever, he wanted to get up and go check on John but knew he shouldn't then the door opened and John walked in with a cup

"here you go" he said and placed it on the cabinet

"you not having one"

"no" was all he said then headed to the door again "I'll be back in soon" he said and left.

Finch decided to drink his tea and if John wasn't back he would go and find him. He felt funny being in John's bed without him there, but he could see John needed some time. He slowly drank his tea and thought about what had happened the night before that may of upset or bothered John, but nothing came up. It was all normal and fine, what could of happened?

He finished his tea and he had enough of waiting, he got up and started his way across the room, uneasily as his hip was playing up. He opened the door, it was still and silent, he carefully padded across to the kitchen and put the cup in the sink. He looked around and saw John in the lounge, sat hunched over with his face in his hands. Finch didn't know what to do, his first reaction was to dress and leave but that's was the wrong thing to do, John was his partner now and needed support. What he wanted to go to him but would John let him comfort him? He would have to find out.

He slowly walked over to John and run his hand across his head

"John?" he whispered, but got no reply or response "John... Hunny"

He heard John sniff and guessed he was crying

"John please look at me" he was growing desperate,

In the old days he would of knelt down and pulled his hands away but he couldn't get that far down, so he sat next to John. just as he was about to grab his hands John moved them himself, revealing a very red puffy face, clearly he had been crying

"what's wrong? Talk to me... Please" said Finch putting an arm across John's back

"hold me" said John and pulled Finch into him,

It wasn't comfortable but he knew John needed him and he wanted to help.

After a few minutes John pulled back "I love you"

he said and tried to smile, but Finch saw it fail

"I love you too. What's wrong? Please talk to me" he pleaded growing more worried by the minute

"I'm OK now"

"no your not, please let me in" again pleading,

he never pleaded with anyone but he needed John to open up

"I'm OK, I just had a bad dream"

"about what?"

"nothing major"

"John... Please... Stop avoiding. Tell me, I want to help. What was the dream?"

John sighed "I dreamt of Jessica"

Finch sighed,

"see now you know why I didn't want to tell you"

"I only sighed,I expected you'd dream of her, why was it bad?"

"I dreamt she wasn't dead and I could save her but I didn't and she died in front of me. Was awful. But I'm OK now"

"do you often dream of her?" he didn't want to know but had to ask

"not much any more, why?"

"just asking"

"I have you with me most of the time when I sleep, I don't need to dream of you when were together"

"that's sweet. So it just upset you because you saw her die?" Finch wasn't convinced, he was sure it went deeper

"yes, why you ask me like that?"

"nothing John"

"I love you but I still feel awful about Jessica. It won't go away. Sorry"

"I know" and he stood, John looked up at him

"come on then" he smiled opened his arms.

John stood and wrapped his arms around him, resting his cheek on his head.

"I'm sorry this is meant to be your spoilt day" said John

"its OK, I had tea in bed so its already begun"

John pulled back and cupped his cheek "I love you" then kissed him,

"can we go back to bed for a little?"

Finch smiled "yes" took Johns hand and lead him to bed.

John lay down first then Finch laid on top of him,

"I'm sorry you had a bad dream" said Finch

"uh its OK, I'm fine, better for laying like this with you"

"good. Later can we have a bath?" asked Finch feeling brave and secure

"if you want to"

"I know you do"

John smiled and Finch kissed him.


	21. Chapter 21

After a while Finch grew uncomfortable and needed to get up

He moved up and brushed his nose against Johns

"John?" he whispered

"yes beautiful" said John with his eyes still closed

"beautiful? huh, thanks" he was very upset and feared John thought he was Jessica, which was his worst fear.

John opened his eyes "What? I mean it you are beautiful"

"stop back rowing, men aren't beautiful"

"you are. Your features are soft and feeling"

"oh I get it so I'm like a woman" Finch's defences fly up quicker than he'd ever known them to, he knew he was a bit effeminate at times but this hurt

"no, not at all"

Finch didn't like this and tried to get up

"no way, your staying here"

"why? What is the point in that?"

"I love you Harold, sorry if you find the word beautiful wrong to use towards you, but I think you are. Handsome is an awful word"

"I just think beautiful is reserved as a compliment for a woman"

still wiggling to escape"I'm sorry. OK umm... I know, Let's start again" and John shut his eyes,

Finch stopped moving and just looked at him "I'm waiting"

"OK, OK" he said "John" he whispered

"yes sexy"

Finch shook his head

"no better?" asked John

"not really" his walls were moving a little but not much

"so what can I call you then?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something" he'd have to find a word, but not right away

"good idea. So I think we should get up soon?"

"yes we probably should but not yet"

He rolled over and off of John, he wasn't happy and didn't want to get up, he laid on his side facing away from John

Time felt like it stood still, he lay just looking at the blank walls, not thinking but feeling a lot. He felt already this was going to be a bad day, he wasn't on the mood to be spoilt or anything. He could hear John's breathing it was steady and normal, he knew he wasn't asleep, was he doing the same as he was? Just laid being rushed with feelings and alien emotions? emotions were normal for John's, it was just him who found them alien, it had been so long since Grace. He sighed, he tried to not think about her, it hurt and he couldn't control the emotions it caused, and now he should be happy, laid in bed with an amazing man who he did in a way love. So why was he feeling so bad?

He felt the bed move and guessed John was getting up, but he couldn't get up, but no, fingers came across the side of his head then lips on his neck. He wiggled at the attention and he wanted it, but his mind was buzzing and wouldn't be quiet

"what you thinking?" came John's voice near his ear as he felt John wrap an arm across his stomach,

"I'm not thinking. I'm... Confused, I thinks the word"

"OK"

"why only OK? Are you OK?" he was worried then about John

"I'm fine. I'm just not... Asking things you won't want to answer"

Now Finch was more confused "what do you mean?"

"well, even though were together you still have your private side and I respect that, I don't understand but I just get on with it. If you want to talk about things you'll tell me, if not, then you don't but I don't ask or bother you about it"

Finch was stunned, did he really make John feel that pushed out

"John I don't want you to feel left out but I'm not used to all this and I don't know how to say how I feel, its all alien to me"

"I know but I hoped in time you would share a little more. But its fine"

"John I'm confused as to all the emotions going around my head. I'm not used to feeling things any more, but I'm trying"

"I know you are but you need to stop analysing them, just go with it"

"but its my nature to"

John pulled Finch onto his back and he wriggled between his legs

"look at me H"

"I am"

"not properly I'm insecure at times and scared but I don't analysis it, I hug or touch you and it goes away" said John stroking Finch's cheek

"really? That works" said finch stunned by the notion that ignoring it helped

"try it" said John

Finch moved his hand to John's cheek and stroked it, then moved it round to his neck "kiss me" he whispered and John did, it was a short, small kiss then Finch held John tighter and made it stronger with more passion, and it did all wash away. Finch pulled back and smiled

"it worked"

"see I told you it would. I know no matter how bad I feel just touching you or kissing you, that you WILL respond and that's all I need to ground me again"

"I'll remember that in future" smiled Finch "I love you" and he pulled John into a strong embrace

"can we get up now?" asked John

"yes OK"

John kissed Finch again then got up "shall I run the bath for now?"

"yes sounds good" smiled Finch as he slowly swung his legs out of bed, he was stiff but a bath sounded good, warm water soaking it, with John mixed in sounded amazing. He stayed sat on the edge till John returned.

John smiled "you ready for this?" he asked so sincerely

"yes" said Finch "though my legs stiff

John went to his side and knelt before him, placing his hand on Finch's good knee "you be OK in the bath?"

"yes it sounds an amazing idea"

"amazing? Wow, Strong word for you" smiled John.

"well I am changing for the better and I was thinking warm water, soaking my leg will be good but add you into it and it amazing. I'll enjoy it"

John smiled "I do love you" and he kissed him "hand up" he said while standing

Finch hated help but knew John wouldn't see it as weakness but make him feel helpful.

"please" he said and took John's hand then they walked across to the bathroom.


	22. Chapter 22

Once in the bathroom John helped Finch out of his boxers

"the water should be OK" said John

Finch felt "its perfect, and with bubbles"

John laughed "yes I need to spoil my man"

Finch kept a grip on John and got into the bath

"umm that's nice" said Finch sliding down into the bubbles and water "where are you going?" asked Finch as John walked across the room

"to put this on" he said turning on a small radio

Out came calming music, making Finch sigh then John opened the medicine cabinet and pulled something out, and walked further along the unit to a large candle, which he lit

"I'll turn the lights out" said John and he flicked the switch

The room went dark apart from the candle light

"you OK like this" said John as he walked back to the tub

"its so romantic. Thank you" he paused again suddenly insecure he he reached out for John and run his hand down his naked stomach, and sighed again "it does work" he stated and pulled his hand away.

John stripped out of his boxers, "move forward a little, I want to get behind you. If that's OK?"

Finch moved forward "its fine"

He felt John slide in behind him then he was pulled back to he was close to John whose legs pinned him in.

"now relax my love" said John as he started to gently rub Finch's shoulders

"I like that" said Finch "you can call me by that name"

"what my love?"

"yes I like that"

"and the attention?"

"amazing" smiled Finch as he closed his eyes.

John started at his shoulders then Finch's neck, the tops of his arms and back

"you'll have to get the rest once were out" whispered John as he kissed behind Finch's ear, "here lie back" and he helped ease him back

Now flush with John's naked chest Finch felt amazing, the music, candle, the attention he actually loved it.

"John" he whispered

"yes my love"

"thank you. I love all this attention, I didn't think I would" he was being honest and open for the first time

"that's OK, you deserve a rest and some attention. no ones ever spoilt you have they?"

Finch coiled up inside "no never"

"well I'm glad I'm your first to do that. Now relax your tensing up"

Finch did, glad John didn't see it as a negative.

Laid on John Finch realised how much he did trust John and how much John loved him, could he ask the final big ask and let John into the biggest of his fears? He felt he could.

"its getting cold shall we get up and can I finish your massage? See if I can work out the knot in your leg" said John disturbing Finch's thoughts

"sounds good" said Finch standing and gently climbing out, John followed pulling the plug out,

"here you go" said John wrapping a towel around Finch's shoulders, he leant in "can I dry you?"

Finch felt amazing "yes, please"

John put his towel around his middle ans tucked it in then started to dry Finch, back first then his front "your an amazing looking man my love"

"thank you, I think. And your amazing too" he repaid to compliment and it felt nice

"come on to the bed and ill do your back and legs" said John taking Finch's hands

Finch hadn't had a massage since he was in therapy after the accident and that's wasn't pleasurable but this would be

"lie down on your front for me and open the towel out when your ready" said John

"kiss first" asked Finch turning to him

"always" and he pulled Finch into a strong kiss "I love you"

"I love and trust you" and Finch laid on the bed and opened the towel straight away.

He felt the bed move "can you spread your legs a little?, I know it'll be hard"

"no its fine" said Finch and did as asked

He felt John move between them and felt he still had to towel on, he felt calm and content. He could trust John but later not now, his hip hurt too much. Then John's hands started running along and kneading the muscles in his back from top to bottom. Finch felt nice and not at all exposed as he thought he might

"you OK?" asked John

"uhh, yes I'm lovely thank you"

"good" and John carried on.

Finch felt all the muscles ease under John's amazing hands, he couldn't wait for John to do his hip and leg

"better?" asked John,

Finch felt him move and John was placing gentle kisses on his back

"umm John that's nice. Kisses too umm"

then he felt John move and he placed kisses on his butt Finch didn't freak or panic just shook with excitement

"sorry h... I.. I didn't think" came John Voice clearly panicked

"Don't stop, I like that" he said wiggling his butt teasingly

"really?" John sounded surprised

"yes, if your OK doing it?"

John didn't reply but planted more delicate kisses over his cheeks as he massaged them

"umm, John, umm" he was growing hard which wasn't the aim of the attention.

He felt John move "umm a new thing to do to you. You ready for hip and leg?"

"I was enjoying that" moaned Finch

"I noticed, maybe a little too much"

Finch just chuckled, and John started on his bad hip, he flinched "don't stop, it'll pass" he assured John

Who did continue, Finch fazed out and thought of John making love to him, he'd not let anybody do it to him since he was attacked, but he knew this was the ultimate in trust, but would and could John do it, as he said he'd always been passive, was there a reason Finch didn't know about or was it just how he was comfortable. He felt John start on his leg, again he fazed out. He decided in that moment to ask John of there was a reason why then ask him to make love to him if he was willing.

"how's that?" said John

"umm better" said Finch and it was, he rolled over "come here" said Finch holding his arms open

John looked at him then gently laid on him, that's when

Finch noticed John was hard too

"did you enjoy that as much as I did?" Finch teased

"umm I think I did. Now what's next?"

"I don't know, I'm doing as I'm told... Yes for once" chuckled Finch and John did too

"too late for breakfast, how's early lunch sound then some reading and resting together?" asked John stroking Finch's cheek

"umm sounds amazing"

"uhh I bought something for you" said John rolling off of Finch and pulled a bag from under the bed "here you go" said John handing over a heavy looking paper bag

"you didn't have to" said Finch

"I know but I wanted to" said John not looking too happy,

Finch opened the bag and pulled out a large hardback book, he turned it over Charles Dickens great expectations

"thank you John" Finch was touched, he flicked through the pages and found amazing illustrations

"yes I know you probably have some big old edition in the library but I thought you could keep this here for when we have days like today"

"I do but this has amazing illustrations in it. Thank you" and he pulled John into his lips.

"come on clothes then lunch" said John getting up

"OK" said Finch feeling very happy and his leg didn't hurt when he stood up "you have wondrous hands Mr Reece" he smiled

"thank you, you just need to let me help you more with it all"

It was indeed true "I will,now I know you can, I will".


	23. Chapter 23

They dressed and made their way down stairs

"what do you fancy to eat my love?" asked John

"I don't mind" Finch replied,

he wasn't fussed at that time, he was perfectly content being around John

"I've not got much in, umm..." said John "left over noodles? I promise ill take you out later for dinner"

"fine" he said and crossed the kitchen and hugged John from behind

"you don't have to take me for dinner, we could go shopping"

John turned "I'm spoiling you and Ill only settle for the best treatment" and he hugged Finch tightly.

Microwave warmed noodles wasn't Finch's idea of lunch but it was food, they ate quickly then John washed up while Finch watched.

"shall we go chill on the sofa?" asked John drying his hands

"sounds nice"

"shall I run up and grab your book?" asked John leaning in and kissed finch's cheek

"would you?"

"for you, my love anything"

"thank you" Finch called as John walked away.

Finch walked into the lounge and sat on the sofa, enough space for them to be together comfortably.

John re-appeared "here you go" he said and handed Finch the book

"thank you"

"can we snuggle while you read?" asked John surprising Finch

"yes, but how?" he hadn't done this for a long time

"lay back with your legs up, ill fit in around your comfort"

Finch nodded and sat up in the corner, it was larger the sofa than he expected "lie here" he said to John patting his front.

John laid down and rested his head on Finch's belly, arms around his middle "comfortable?" he asked

"yes, yes I am"

"good"

Finch opened the book and started to read, he glimpsed down and John had his eyes closed, he looked very content and happy.

Finch read for a while then he got thinking about his earlier thoughts about him and John, he placed the ribbon in his pace, and closed the book

"John"

"umm" he said eyes still closed

"can I ask a question?" Finch suddenly unsure how to say it

John opened his eyes "yes what is it?"

"i-is... Uhh" he moaned

"Harold take your time"

He took a deep breath "is there a reason your passive with men?" he said, he was stunned he said it so clearly

"are you worried about me? That's an unusual question"

Finch wanted to curl up and hide but had an escape route "yes I'm a little worried about you"

John smiled "OK that's fine and no there isn't a reason, I've always been that way so its natural to me now"

"OK, I just wanted to be sure"

"I do love you" smiled John "now food later what shall we have? What do you fancy?"

Finch was glad of the change of subject "there's that new Italian that's opened, looks nice"

"oh yes, candle light and romantic music. Sounds a god idea to me. Would you call and book a table, your better at the posh chat than me"

"posh chat?" Laughed finch, is the really how John interpreted his way of talking

"yes your more professional sounding than me, that's all I meant. I love how you talk, but I'd like to hear it dirty sometime"

Finch smiled, plans set, he'd get John in bed later, start as usual then ask him to make love to him and talk him thorough what to do, he smiled, he felt like the Cheshire cat.

"what's that smile for?" asked John

"nothing just thinking about a romantic meal later" such a lie but only a small one, a romantic meal would set the mood perfectly for his request later.

With the table booked for later on they enjoyed a lazy day, it soon came to six o'clock and they started to get ready. They showered together then got dressed, Finch watched John dressing with heightened arousal, he wanted to throw him on the bed and just pleasure him all night but thought it best to eat first.

"something amusing you Mr finch?" asked John

"no, why you ask?" Finch was worried he was giving away his ideas for later some how

"you haven't stopped smiling since we got up, and your staring at me"

Finch stood and walked over to John and wrapped his arms around his middle "I'm just happy to be here with you"

John hugged him back "I'm glad. Now are we getting a cab or calling for the car?"

Change of subject, Finch was glad "call the car?" it was a question

"fine"

"OK, I'll call while you finish dressing" he winked and left the bedroom.

In the car Finch was a little uncomfortable, he was never very open in public with his sexuality, did he and John look obvious? Would people think John was an escort? Finch worried, till John grabbed his hand

"stop worrying"

"I know I should but I can't. I'm not used to being in public with a male partner"

"nor am I, so we can tackle our fear together" John said and gripped his hand tighter

"but my fears different to yours"defended Finch

"what's your fear? Tell me" he said softly

"that.. Its ridiculous really" he didn't want to say it, he felt stupid

"Harold my love tell me"

He sighed "that people will think your an escort, paid to be out with me"

John chuckled "really? Why do you think that?"

"I'm clearly older than you, geeky and crippled, your handsome, tall, dark, amazing. To others we wouldn't be a couple" Finch wasn't going to lie

That is how he felt next to John in public, at home alone or in the library was different, it was their time, and nothing mattered but their love.

"that's how you see us is it?" said John pulling his hand away sounding upset

"no, well yes but only in public. On our own I don't care, all that matters is our love but I'm conscious in public, you know that"

John put his hand back on Finch's "sorry"

"why are you sorry? I should be the one saying sorry"

"I... I thought you were getting funny with me and not the situation. And I've put you in this situation"

"no you didn't, I agreed, I made the call. I'll be fine once were sat down"

John smiled, and leant into Finch's ear "but remember no matter what I am yours and tonight I will be going home with you and loving you all night long" and he kissed his cheek

"really?" said Finch smiling

"don't I always?"

Finch just smiled

"we are here sir" announced the driver, who then stepped out and opened the door

John stepped out first "thank you" and put his hand in to help finch out, who took it willingly

Once out "I will call when were ready for collection" he said to the driver

"no problem sir, have a nice evening" and got back in the car.

It hit Finch he still had hold of John's hand, he let go and straightened his jacket

"ready?" asked John

"I think so"

"come on head up and remember who's I am"

"Mine" smiled Finch, he re-took John's hand and they walked in.

Finch was amazed he wasn't too conscious as they strolled through. They sat and all Finch could do was smile, he couldn't wait for John to do as he said and love him all night long, hopefully in a new way.

The meal was amazing and they indulged in a new area of conversation, being kids and their memories. Finch had to resist drinking wine with his dinner, he wanted to be sober and for John to know it for when he made his request later in bed.

He was listening to John talking imaging his lips doing other things when he felt his cell vibrate in his pocket, he pulled it out, a message

"we have a number" he told John and waved down a waiter "can we have the bill please?" he asked and it was brought quickly, paid and they left.

They got a cab to near the library then walked in "do you want to change before you go out?" asked Finch

John looked down "I probably should"

"there's a set in the spare room wardrobe for you" said Finch sitting down at the monitors

"thanks" said John and walked off.

Finch was annoyed a number had ruined their night and his plans but it was only because of the numbers that he had John in his life. He pulled up all he could on the number and printed a picture, he was sticking it on the screen when John appeared changed and smelling fresh again.

Finch told John what he knew and John turned

"I'll call if I find anything else" he assured John

"OK, I'll be in touch" and he left.

Finch finished sticking the items up and slumped in his chair again, wondering how long it would be before he got alone time with John He put his ear piece in just as it buzzed

"you OK Mr Reece?" he said, he needed to separate the two parts of John and himself, addressing John as Mr Reece made it professional

"yes I'm fine Finch. Just wanted to say you looked amazing earlier and I'll stick to my promise once we get time"

This made it harder for Finch "thank you and yes. Now you found him?"

John sighed "yes looking at him now"

"good call me later. Bye"

"bye Finch"

And he hung up with a big sigh.


	24. Chapter 24

Everything possible happened keeping them apart, and it grated Finch that he hardly saw John. He became convinced he wasn't meant to ask John to make love to him, but it was endlessly on his mind, and he was determined to ask him, whenever it was they got time alone.

After three numbers in a row Finch was tired and worn out, all he wanted to do was sleep and rest, he was exhausted.

Finch rested his head on his arm on the table, his eyes hurt and he needed to just stop for a few minutes.

Though he was asleep he was aware that he was being moved then in some form of transport but he felt safe and continued to sleep, then he felt he was being carried then he was laid out on something, it felt nice, then everything was still and quiet.

Finch rested for what felt forever then slowly he started to stir and wake up. He opened his eyes and he was on his bedroom in his bed, under the covers in just boxers and t shirt, alone. This confused Finch but he felt sure John wasn't far away, only John would take him home, then it hit him, was the number actually done, or had John dropped him home and left again to finish the number?

"John?" he called, his voice husky from sleep, he cleared him throat "John?" much better

The en suite door opened "yes my love" came John voice

"you OK?" he was worried John didn't pop his head out

Then he saw John "I'm fine just needed a shave" he said covered in foam

"OK" was all Finch said

"yes the number is done, yes the family is fine, yes I did check the machine before we left, yes I did lock the library, no I didn't get a cab I called the boys out. Any more answers needed?" John smiled

"no, that's fine" smiled Finch and laid on his back

Finch smiled at how well John had worked him out and knew how to ease his worries

"you feel better for that sleep?" he heard John ask but his voice was louder, Finch looked over and John was walking towards him in just his boxers

"umm, yes I do but I feel bad. I shouldn't of been sleeping, I don't do anything to need sleep"

John slid into the bed next to him and snuggled into him "you keep me updated by watching CCTV, you look things up, its not physical what you do, its all mental and that can drain you just as much"

Finch smiled "thank you" he whispered and kissed the top of Johns head

"for what?"

"bringing me home"

John moved up and looked at Finch "its fine, I know you clearly needed the rest. Now its my turn to sleep, you sleeping with me?"

"I will. As long as we can snuggle?"

"always" said John and laid back down.

Finch didn't sleep again, but enjoyed just being still and silent with John snuggled with him. For once the voices in his head where silent, and he enjoyed the silence, just listening to John's breathing. They laid for a long time till he felt John stir, Finch didn't move, hoping John would go back off, he needed the sleep

"umm" moaned John

Finch remained still

"umm I love you"

Finch wasn't sure if John was awake or asleep, but he'd not known him to sleep talk before

"H, I want to be more like them"

Finch was very confused but decided to answer him "more like who" he didn't expect an answer

"that family"

"what family? The one you just helped?"

"yes"

"in what way?" still unsure John was awake, maybe John wanted to move in? Maybe it would be best, give them both more stability

He felt John move and he rubbed his face "umm hello my love, you sleep again?"

Finch just looked at him, could he really ask him?

John moved his arm above his head and looked at Finch "you OK? You look unsure" he asked

Finch was surprised "I'm fine, you were sleep talking"

"was I? Oh, did I say something bad?"

"no you stopped before you told me much"

"what did I say?"

Finch had to think how to say it "that we should be more like the family you just helped"

"really?"

"yes but you woke before you told me how"

"did you talk to me then?"

"a little, but I wasn't asking anything evasive" Finch said feeling he needed to defend his actions

"H, its fine I trust you"

"it made me think though" Finch was ready for another big step "due to what you said I..."

"don't take it too serious, it was sleep talk" interrupted John

"if you say so but I was wondering would you... Move in with me?"

John sat up, and Finch grew worried about what John would say

"spread" he said tapping Finch's leg

He did and John went between them and laid looking at him "you sure you can handle that? My noise, mess and your privacy"

Finch reached up and stroked John's cheek "I wouldn't ask if I couldn't manage it would I?"

"no I guess not"

"but at times I would need time alone"

"and I'd understand. Make a room your own and when your in it I know to leave you be"

John smiled and Finch did too "So is this it now? I'm moving in?"

"yes, please" said Finch feeling a fresh new feeling enter him

"OK, I'll move in with you" and he kissed him "I can't believe you've asked me to move in"

"nor can I, but is that what you wanted?"

"yes. I was sat on a roof watching the family and I saw how happy they were together. I've never had that stability and a place to call home with someone but I feel it when I'm with you. Sorry I sleep spoke and encouraged it out"

Finch smiled "its fine, its about time for a new step for us, don't you agree?"

"yes. So what's the time Mr Finch?"

"I can't see, you took my watch off"

John moved up "its just gone two, shall we get up?"

"do we have to?" moaned Finch wrapping his arms around John

"yes, we could go get my stuff, move me in today"

"oh yes, sounds perfect" he kissed John as he got up

They got dressed and got the car to drive then, making their way for the last time to John's apartment

"it won't take long to pack me up"

"I'll do clothes, you do all the rest" said Finch, he didn't like handling guns and felt happier sorting clothes.

Finch started packing it all into a holdall

"how many jumpers do you own? I never see you in them" called Finch

"I only wear them when I'm knocking around here"

"oh does that mean on days off you'll wear them around home?" home with John, sounded funny

"yes, why? Is that a problem?"

Easier access thought Finch "no, that's... That sounds nice" the chuckled to himself

"I'm all done" said Finch once all the clothes was packed

John appeared "me to"

"good. I'll call the team up to clean it thoroughly so no traces left. Then its done" Finch was so happy

"yes" John bridged the gap between them and hugged Finch "you sure your OK with all this? Its a big step"

"I'm perfectly happy" and they kissed.


	25. Chapter 25

Once inside the house it hit Finch, there was no room or storage places for John's stuff. He'd never anticipated sharing this house with anyone, stood in the bedroom looking around he quickly worked out where to keep the guns and all his ammunition but not clothes

"John we have a problem" Finch said

"what's that?" asked John appearing behind him with another bag

"I have no where to put your clothes" he paused "I never anticipated sharing this space with someone,uh John.. Its..."

Suddenly John was in front of him holding his face in his hands "Harold its fine, I don't need a lot of room, I can live out the bags till we sort space. All I ask is can I hang my jackets somewhere"

"you sure? I may need to buy more furniture"

John leant in and kissed him "its fine"

"thank you. Now I have a space for your guns and all that. I'll get the key" he kissed John

Finch walked to his study, John followed him through, he went through his bottom draw and found a small set of keys "here you go" said Finch turning to John,

He was stood at the door, Finch was confused

"I'm here as this is your room, I'll only come in when invited"

Finch smiled "come in" and John crossed the room "If the doors open your welcome to come in, its only if I close it"

"that's fine, I just don't want to start on the wrong foot"

"now you can have your own room, come with me" and he took John's hand.

Finch lead him out of the study and opposite was a door "your key Mr Reece" and he handed him the keys.

John looked at the keys and selected one, then opened the door, stepping inside Finch remained at the door, holding it open with his foot

"wow, h this is huge" said John

"and very empty, needs some furniture but we can sort that out later"

"come in" said John and he did "same rule for this room applies to your study"

"I'll need to get you a door stop then, this door never stays open. So you approve?"

"yes, thank you" and John grabbed him into his arms "I'm finally home"

"good. Shall we eat then I can look up some furniture?"

"sounds perfect. I can sort out my stuff in here, If that's OK?"

"fine, I'll move a small table from the study in here till we get you a table"

After dinner John sat in his room sorting his guns and Finch sat in the study on his laptop looking at furniture, he would run it all by John before he ordered any, it was their home now. Finch sat back in the chair, removed his glasses and rubbed his face, he was growing tired already

"you tired my love?" came Johns voice then two arms cake around his neck,

He rubbed them "yes, yes I am"

"come on then bed time" said John pulling back

Finch stood "I found some nice furniture online, we can look tomorrow, together"

"together? I get a say?" said John taking Finch's hands in his

"yes, this is our house now of course you get a say"

"I do love you" smiled John

In bed Finch lay with John snuggled into him asleep, he was thinking about lots of stuff and he realised for once a lot of it was positive. He was actually happy and life was good, he had all he wanted and more, all through the last person he ever thought he would be with. Finch smiled and soon drifted off into a peaceful sleep.


End file.
